Ever since I was in kindergarten, I have always been pretty outspoken. I would never stand for boys who were rude to me. Even when telling on them to a teacher, I would get the most annoying and sexist response in the world, known as: “they probably just like you!”
As I have gotten older, I have continued to stand up for myself, and become more outspoken. Even in middle school and high school, when “boys would be boys” and find any way to poke fun at me and the other young girls, I would call them out. I have always been assertive, but in high school especially, boys would take that as aggressive. And anytime in class when I would show any sign of confidence or intelligence, I would feel guilty. However, as I have grown up, I have found ways to unlearn my misogynistic mindsets, and combat internalized misogyny.
Something I picked up on towards the end of my high school career, was the fact that all of the boys that hated my bold personality were the same boys that were always, and I mean always, rude. Something that has helped me combat this internalized misogyny is reminding myself that if these boys are so afraid of a confident and forthright young woman, it has everything to do with them, and nothing to do with me.
But still, why did I care so much about what they thought of me? I did not wish to spend any of my time with them, not even an ounce of it, but for some reason I still cared about what they thought of me. This is a result of internalized misogyny. In these moments of self-hatred for something I should have never been hating on myself for, I felt like a product of my environment. Women, for essentially all of humankind, have been taught that their existence is solely for men. Certain men finding my assertiveness to be annoying led to me putting myself down. It even led to me being misogynistic towards myself.
Being in high school is probably the worst time to deal with internalized misogyny, especially when some of the young women around you are also dealing with it, and sometimes to another degree. I personally felt like some of the women around me were especially compliant with the expectations that have been historically placed on us. Thus, I felt like my assertive nature was being judged by them as well. But at the same time, I knew that the root of the problem was the ever-present sexism that came from men.
Because I even felt judged by some of the young women in my grade, I had to accept that they just simply weren’t my people. I couldn’t sit back and judge them because I knew that this problem of sexism was bigger than all of us, and they were most likely just unaware of how submissive they were being. But I also couldn’t surround myself with them, as it dimmed the qualities that make up who I am. I learned that surrounding myself with women who were unapologetically assertive like me, would help me to combat the internalized misogyny that continued to put down my confidence.
Most importantly, I have learned that I need to give myself grace for even taking the time to understand that this was and is, internalized misogyny. I put in the effort to both recognize that I am having these moments of self-disgust and diffidence, and also that it was a result of sexism, as well as my surroundings. It was not just coming out of nowhere. I spent time with myself, trying to uncover why I felt so guilty for showing these qualities of assertiveness, and I allowed for those self-disgust feelings to die down a little bit.
Most importantly, I have to continuously remind myself that the fact that I am an assertive, confident, witty young woman is never, in any circumstance, a bad thing. If anything, it is a gift. The fact that I can so easily express these qualities should not lead me to feeling ashamed, it should lead me to feeling proud. The best piece of advice I can give to all of the women out there is that while I am still in the midst of figuring this all out myself, I am proud of the personality and qualities you have managed to create for yourself, despite the internalized misogyny and sexism that surrounds us all.
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