I never truly realized just how important my hair was to my identity for me. It wasn’t until I took a look back at old pictures where my hair was almost always pulled back into a braid or ponytail that it struck me just how ashamed I used to feel about my curls. They were something I was never confident about and would always attempt to hide in any way possible.
When I was young, basically any time before the age of seven or eight, I never really paid attention to my hair. I was too busy deciding which princess dress I would wear for the day or when the next play date with my friend would be to notice my curls. My mom would usually do my hair, tying it up into a ponytail or putting it half-up half-down, doing basically any hairstyle to get my curls out of my face; which was very practical for a busy and playful four or five-year-old. At such a young age, I was too carelessly busy to worry about what my hair looked like or what others thought of it.
Third grade was a big year for me. Not only was I starting a new school but I was starting a new school in a whole different country. I had moved back to the U.S. the summer before the school year and was feeling very out of the loop. I had spent six years in Spain and had never really experienced American culture. Part of my insecurities were definitely projected onto my hair and I started to brush out my curls…ya, I know, not my best decision. The number one rule with curly hair is to never brush it out, but I wanted my hair to look smooth and shiny like so many of my classmates, so I made my mom do my hair every morning into a brushed-out pony or braids.
I remember always feeling so insecure about my hair being down. I would almost always have it up in fear that when it was down and the curls were out people would look at me weirdly. I acknowledge now that hair, much less curly hair, is not very prominent or justified insecurity but at such a young age and having to assimilate back into a culture I was never adjusted to, my hair was one way I could attempt to control that.
The year after returning to the U.S., my family and I moved to Massachusetts where I started fourth grade. From 2009 until my freshman year of high school in 2014 I wore my hair up everywhere I went. It wasn’t until eighth grade that I started wearing my hair down…but only when it was straight. My sister had taught me the techniques of a flat iron and after learning how to perfect it I became more confident in how I looked with straight hair and therefore felt more confident wearing the straight hair down, especially at school and around my classmates.
In my freshman year of high school, I began to wear my naturally curly hair down. I started out by using Marc Anthony’s “Strictly Curls” cream on my hair to reduce frizz and enhance the curl, mainly because it was the one thing my mom had in her bathroom. At this point I had long curly hair and it was a pain to take care of but I never really understood the whole process, so I did the bare minimum of washing my hair, brushing it out, and using the scrunching technique along with the cream to help form my curls.
Right before my senior year of high school, I chopped off the majority of my hair, and that was liberating in itself. I felt so much lighter and more confident, and since I had spent three years getting my curl routine down, I actually enjoyed doing my hair each morning and wearing it down for everyone to see. For a long time, I feared cutting my hair because I was worried that I would look like a boy if they cut my hair too short, and with curly hair, a “normal” cut always ends up shorter after it dries. However, it also was a big fear-conquering moment.
Now, writing this as a senior in college, I love my curly hair. It sets me apart from others and makes me different, which for a long time I never wanted. For my curl routine, I use Aussie curl cream and curl spray to fight frizz and define my curls and the Herbal Essence mousse for volume. I also started using a Denman brush to help define and style my curls even more. I still have times when I wish I had more manageable hair, so I could style it in different ways, but in these moments I remind myself that my hair is part of what makes me, me, and I learn to love it all over again.
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