“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts/ She’s cheer captain and I’m on the bleachers.”
Swiftie or not, this probably is not the first time you’ve heard these iconic lyrics from Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me“, a song in which a female narrator is asking the guy that she’s crushing on to pick her over his girlfriend.
Many have deemed this hit song to be a “pick-me girl” anthem, a term you’ve probably seen floating around Tik Tok and other social media platforms.
If this word is unfamiliar to you, Dictionary.com explains that the term “pick-me girl” is “used to describe a woman who obviously and obsessively works to gain men’s attention or acceptance”.
A “pick-me girl” may describe herself to be “not like the other girls”, as she rejects traits and hobbies that are typically perceived as feminine in order to win male approval.
From this definition, we can see that the narrator in Swift’s song accurately fits the description of a “pick-me girl”. The love interest’s girlfriend possesses feminine traits that the narrator depicts in a negative light throughout the song. Swift argues that her love interest should chose her, because unlike his girlfriend, she wears t-shirts and sneakers, and she understands his sense of humor.
Although this was most likely not Swift’s intention while writing the lyrics for “You Belong With Me”, the female narrator’s internalized misogyny is evident, as she supports the patriarchal idea that anything perceived as feminine is considered inferior in our society.
However, even though this song serves as proof that there is an obvious issue with the “pick-me girl” mentality, in recent years the term “pick-me girl”, a term originally used to call out women who put down other women for the sake of male validation, has become a term used to belittle other women and only deepen the societal wound of internalized misogyny.
In this article, I will be discussing how the media has ingrained the “pick-me girl” archetype into our culture, as well as the misogyny in labeling other women as “pick-me girls”.
The effects of living in A sexist society
As women, we are all unfortunately victims of the patriarchy, and with living in such a male-dominated society comes internalized misogyny.
The University of Missouri-Kansas City defines internalized misogyny as “when women subconsciously project sexist ideas onto other women and even themselves.”
From this definition, we can see that being a “pick-me girl” is a response to living in a patriarchal society, where masculine traits and hobbies are deemed superior. I would argue that looking at a woman you would label as a “pick-me girl” is like looking into a mirror that is reflecting our own insecurities back to us. Regardless of one’s sexual orientation, living in a patriarchal society motivates women to seek male approval, even if it means putting down another woman.
In my own life, I’ve heard men make comments such as “once I’ve found a girl that likes football, I’ve found my wife”, or “most girls can’t take a joke nowadays”. These comments are only fueling the fire of sexism within our society, and we rarely see men getting called out for making such comments!
Seeking out male validation comes from a place of deep insecurity, and putting down other women by labeling and excluding them is not the solution to this societal wound.
Pick-me’s in pop culture
For decades, the pick-me girl trope has been prevalent in our movies, TV shows, books, and other forms of media. From Taylor Swift songs to Disney princess movies, we’ve continuously been fed the idea that a woman’s worth depends on whether or not a man chooses her.
In more modern rom-coms such as To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before and The Kissing Booth, we see unassuming female leads such as Laura Jean and Elle Evans getting chosen because they defy typical feminine traits.
No wonder women feel pressured to seek male validation!
However, other films have portrayed the “pick-me girl” to be a phase that many young women (usually teenagers) go through and grow out of once they come to the realization that they do not need to change themselves for male acceptance. Take Cady Heron from Mean Girls for example, a character who conceals her intelligence in attempt to make her crush, Aaron Samuels, like her. By the end of the film, Cady learns that changing herself for Aaron only made her unhappy and did not bring her the romance that she was yearning for. Cady leaves her “pick-me girl” phase for good after Ms. Norbury assures her, “you don’t have to dumb yourself down to get guys to like you”.
Cady’s character is proof that the “pick-me girl” phase is one that many young women go through in our society, and with the right education and support systems, it can be outgrown.
education is the solution
As a young woman myself, I have experienced betrayal from female friends due to their prioritization of male validation. Yet, I still do not believe that attacking other women by labeling them with titles such as “pick-me girl” is the solution to ridding our society of internalized misogyny. In order to heal this deep societal wound, it is important that we educate women and men alike on the root cause of the “pick-me girl” phenomenon: living in a patriarchal, male-dominated society.
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