Men will always be a mystery to me. I am not saying this because I’m gay, and I don’t have a vendetta against men either. In fact, I have quite the opposite. I would go as far as to say that some of my closest friends are men. I understand that it is not all men, and I understand that some men are just a product of their environment. For example, the right wing, farmer boy, Trump supporters who would follow any male, charismatic leader that tells them what they want to hear. These guys are easy to identify and to stay away from, so they tend to not cause issues.
The type of man that I don’t understand is the man that proudly supports the democratic party in an effort to prove to himself and the world that he cares about human rights. But this same man will also make jokes about women as if they are lucky to have rights. This man preaches equal opportunity but disagrees with anything a woman has to bring to a conversation just because he can. He does it with so much confidence that you leave feeling like you are not worthy of receiving an education, let alone having a job and leaving the kitchen. But why do men do this? More importantly, why do we let them?Â
When I first came to UMass, I temporarily forgot men like this existed. I got lucky and met some of the nicest guys in the first week of being here and quickly became close with them. They are respectful towards other men and women and aren’t afraid to be wrong. But two weeks ago, I was reminded that not all men are good people. “I always feel so stupid after we hang out with them, and he’s there.” My friend admits this to me as we are leaving a hangout with a different group of guys that live down the hall from her.Â
“I get what you mean,” I reply. As soon as she said it, I knew exactly who she was talking about. This friend of theirs has a habit of making nasty remarks whenever any of us girls contribute to the conversation. He makes it clear that he is threatened by our presence and doesn’t want us there, but yet we keep getting invited back by his friends who seem to enjoy our company. Although he doesn’t have the appearance of your average woman-hater male, it’s obvious that he has some internalized misogyny and that he inherently doesn’t believe that women belong in any academic, corporate or STEM spaces. No matter how hard he tries to hide it, his anger towards women for just having opinions and being successful always seems to seep out in conversation.Â
The challenging part is not standing there and taking the insults, it’s trying to find a way to not believe him. To find a way to not get shut down when he is working overtime to make sure everything we say is deemed wrong by the misogynistic court that lives rent free in his head. Yes, his behavior is manipulative, and nobody likes having their ideas dismissed so quickly. But a part of me will always wonder if my immediate silence, and the wave of guilt and regret I feel for ever trying to prove my point in the first place is somehow related to my own internalized misogyny. Why am I so quick to agree with the man, even if I know his point, and his behavior is wrong? I think from a young age us girls are trained to be quiet whether we like it or not. Even if we are raised in a progressive household where sharing ideas and speaking your mind is encouraged, some part of us will always feel judged for “being the girl who talks too much.”
Girls are trained to not speak unless spoken to and to clean up the mess after dinner. We are trained to endure the wrath of men who don’t know where to put their anger in silence. We are conditioned to be buffers, and it is so hard to break that mindset especially in moments where our knowledge is being threatened by insecure men. It’s hard to even know where to start. I don’t know what the answer is for sure, and I have yet to find the perfect response to these men, but all I know is that having a supportive group of girls that validate your frustration and experiences is key. Having a girl group that is willing to listen to you talk about your passions and encourage you to share your knowledge with the world helps to take the worth out of the empty insults that insecure guy with the mountain bike hurls at you.Â
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