I had my first real “spring break” trip this year, and I won’t even lie, I was stressed about it. Instead of a build-up of excitement, I almost felt a sense of impending doom as our flight date quickly approached. Because as I came closer to warm weather, I also came closer to smaller clothes and thus having to confront my body image struggles head on.
Body image is something that I have battled with since I was at least 12 or 13. When I look back on all of those years spent hating and hiding my body, I think about all that I missed out on. I am reminded of missed days under the sun at the beach with the people I love, missed summer night ice cream runs and even just day trips to frolic around Boston and spend too much money. So before I went on this trip to Florida, I promised myself that I would not miss out on moments of joy because of how I felt about my body. This is not to say that it would be easy, but I refused to let the idea that my body is not enough steal any more time, energy, and sunshine away from me.
And guess what I realized? These beautiful moments are going to happen whether or not I like the way my body looks. Thus, I had two options: to miss out on the moments and spend my precious energy and attention on my body image, OR, to actively choose to not give it energy and rather redirect it towards the present moment. So I kept choosing. Over and over again, I had to actively choose to release the obsession over how I looked and tune in to how I felt, into what was happening at that moment, into the reality that these moments were fleeting and I needed to soak them up.
In refusing to let my body image control me, I discovered so much magic. I felt heartbroken for the younger me who skipped out on beach days and memories while simultaneously feeling proud and joyful for the present me for being there now. Because in the now, I got to swim freely in warm crystal waters and wear clothes that made me feel confident and go for walks on the sand in my bathing suit. I got to eat ice cream and laugh and truly appreciate the time I had with my friends. I got to take back the time that the idea my body is not good enough took from me. And I will continue to so that future me doesn’t have to look back in regret.
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