I’ll be turning 20 in a couple of weeks, and I have been grieving the teenager I will never be and praying for the young woman I hope to turn into.
My teenage years felt very rushed. I spent the early years of my teens very confused about everything, and the last few years playing catch up with those around me. Once I had finally figured out the whole immigrating to another country situation, I spent my whole time thinking about the future and trying to be on the same level as my school friends, who were already freaking out about their GPAs, extracurriculars, and college applications (mind you, we were 8th graders).
While I am glad I cared so deeply about my future, I regret not having fun. Now that I am 19 years old, I grieve for the different versions of myself that I could’ve been. I’m grieving for the 14-year-old me who could’ve gone out with her friends a bit more. I’m grieving for the 15-year-old me who could’ve had a birthday party (but did not because it was too “childish”). I’m grieving for the 16-year-old me who could have experienced first love, if she only had opened up to meet new people. I’m grieving for all the alternate ways my years as a teenager could have turned out, if only I hadn’t spent so much time thinking about the years ahead.
Longing to be in a different place than where you currently are is very common. When I was a young girl, I wished to be a teenager in high school, complaining about the amount of homework, and hanging out at the mall after school. A couple of years ago, I wished to be a college girl, joining many clubs and studying something that I actually cared about; now, I long to be younger. I long to go back to the time, where I wasn’t too worried about turning 20.
As the dreaded day approaches, I have caught myself watching shows I used to watch growing up, listening to the music I used to love, and reading the books I adored. Almost as if, by doing so, I will somehow delay the inevitable. Of course, that won’t happen. The days are going by unusually fast, and soon enough my age will start with a two instead of a one. The best thing I can do is not make the mistake that I made when I was younger. No rushing, no comparing myself to others, and no wishing I was older. Instead, I hope to be a 20-something year old that will take her time, and enjoy life. While scary, my 20s are an opportunity to do everything I didn’t do when I was younger. Life will be giving me a second chance at meeting new people, having birthday parties, finding love, and having fun.
I hope that in a couple of years, I will look back to my 20s and not grieve for the person I could have been. For now, I am just praying it won’t be too bad.