To be transgender is to be aware. November 20 marks Transgender Day of Remembrance, a day to remember victims of anti-transgender violence. In the past five years, over 100 anti-transgender laws have passed in the United States. As a result, suicide attempts by transgender and nonbinary youth have increased by 72%. I’m aware because I have to be when each day is a new name, a new number, and a new obituary. I’m aware of everything around me. I’m aware of how I walk, in fear of being too feminine and easy to clock. I’m aware of where I place my feet in the bathroom stall because I worry the other men in the bathroom can tell I’m sitting down to pee.Â
To be transgender is to be educated. Most people will go their entire K-12 education without learning a single thing about transgender people, whether in history, biology, or health class. Therefore, it is my job. I’m educated because if I’m equipped to explain the gory and personal details of my life, it saves another person from having to face the same questions. I’m educated because if I can’t justify and explain my existence, it opens up space to question its validity. I’m educated because education is the only way to save us.
To be transgender is to be contradictory. When you’re transgender, it’s common never to feel that you belong anywhere. I have to conform as much as possible to be respected, but if I blend in too well, it only puts me at more risk. I can’t question my identity because each change in pronouns or expression loses me a little more respect, but no matter what, I’m always “confused,” even when I’m sure. I’m not welcome in predominantly male spaces because it’s simply too dangerous, but I always feel out of place in female spaces, like an intruder.Â
To be transgender is to be understanding, even when undeserved. Since I first came out, I’ve had to be understanding because “it takes time to get used to” and “things were different when I was younger.” I have to understand when I’m called by the wrong name because it’s hard, but also that it’s easy to change the last name of a newlywed. I have to understand when I go somewhere that has no gender-neutral bathrooms because Rome wasn’t built in a day. I must understand the puzzled looks in public because it was a different time, but we have always existed.Â
However, nothing can change the euphoria that comes with it. With every negative comes the reasons for trying so hard.Â
To be transgender is to be unapologetic. I live in a time now where I can do things that my trans ancestors could not. I am unapologetic because I only live once and can’t waste it hiding who I am. I am unapologetic because I want to be a teacher one day, and I hope to be an example for kids who need it. I am unapologetic because I shouldn’t allow anyone to make me feel less than human.Â
To be transgender is to succeed. It’s only recently that transgender people have gotten opportunities to get ahead without hiding who they are. I have to succeed to do what those before me could not: live freely. I have to succeed to spite those who want to see me fail. I have to succeed to defy every statistic that says I can not.Â
I write this as I am nearing a year on hormones and a year unapologetic and free. I am proud of who I am. I remember the lives lost to anti-transgender violence and the activists who were lost before their time. I would not be able to be who I am without them. I attribute my freedom to the fighters for trans rights that are rarely recognized in history.Â