There is one thing that is always on my mind, and that is “What if I had clear skin?” It is like a small voice whispering in my ear over and over. What if I had clear skin? I would be happier. What if I had clear skin? I would have done better on that test. What if I had clear skin? I would have more friends. I have found that no matter how hard you try to get rid of the “what ifs” or acne, there is a constant struggle to keep up with society’s standards of clear skin.
It has been 3 years since my journey with acne began. Every time it gets better it somehow ends up getting worse. It has been an ongoing battle of negative thoughts about myself, and it is the one thing I always think about and am self-aware of. To me, walking around with acne on my face feels like there’s a huge sign on my face saying “stare at me.”
The one thing I wanted most before I came to college was clear skin. For some reason, I thought having clear skin would solve all my problems. I didn’t want to worry about taking an hour to do my skincare before class, putting on makeup to cover it, or worrying about breaking out after not washing my makeup off after a night out. I didn’t want to deprive myself of being happy because of something on my face almost completely out of my control.
Since coming to college, it had cleared up but then started to reappear. All I wanted to do was be spontaneous and go hang out with my new freshmen friends or go get a late-night snack, but I never felt like I could or had the chance to because of my acne. Acne has taken away experiences and self-confidence. Every time I get a new breakout it feels like another stab at my confidence. Everyone says to look on the bright side and have a positive mindset about yourself. But, people who have not struggled with acne will never understand that saying this just makes it worse.
In some ways, college has made me appreciate my acne. It has made me sensitive to hearing others talk negatively about themselves because I understand the thoughts and feelings going through their head. It has made me not be so hard on myself because I know I am doing everything I can to try and better my acne and self. Although, it has been hard to better myself when every time I walk into a room I feel like everyone turns their head and stares at my acne. I am told by my friends and family that no one else is looking at it, but to me, that is still so hard to believe. I know that people who have had or are struggling with acne now have had to deal with people complaining to them about how bad their skin is when they have one small pimple on their glass skin and you have 20. I think that this is where the mindset that everyone in the room is staring at you stems from.
I have tried many skin care products; they all have somewhat seemed to work the same. I have found that it takes time to see progress, especially while on retinol, tretinoin, or an oral pill like spironolactone. I have also tried and experimented with many acne-safe makeup products. I have found that the NARS radiant concealer works best for concealing my blemishes and dark spots. It is easy to build up to the coverage you need. I have also found that I like the Elf-Halo Glow; it provides light coverage and gives you a natural glow. While struggling with acne, I have found a creamy and radiant base to work the best and stay on the longest. For liquid bronzer, blush, and highlighter I have found to trust every rare beauty product with my life. After doing these steps, I add a finish with Fenty beauty bronzer and the orgasm NARS blush. Recently this routine has been my go-to and helped me feel confident in my skin.
As I re-read this final draft of my article with no makeup on, it will be hard to walk out the door to my next class, but for everyone dealing with acne know that pushing yourself out of your comfort zone is what will help the most. For me, understanding that wearing makeup to cover acne or to feel confident in yourself shouldn’t and is not seen as a bad thing. While struggling with acne, especially in college, doing things like eating healthy, going to the gym, and having a good skincare and makeup routine have helped me to feel better about my acne and my own skin. I still am struggling with my acne mentally, and physically. It was genuinely hard to write about it and be vulnerable with myself and the people reading this. Others telling you it will get better or telling yourself it will get better may honestly not work. But just know that acne doesn’t control your life. You can still be happy with acne.