“Boys and girls can never really be friends.” If you haven’t heard that phrase yet, you have either been living under a rock, or you have a very optimistic mother. Despite the fact that we’re all familiar with this insight – is it really true? Can we really have a completely platonic relationship with a guy? Everyone has a different opinion on it. Regardless, not every guy we meet in college is going to end up starring in all of our Facebook profile pictures with his arms around us. At Michigan, we’re busy girls. In between studying, club meetings, cheering for our teams, trekking through the Diag, and that occasional trip to the IM building, we’ll meet a boy or two along the way. My professional Stats250 expertise estimates that, given the awesome demographic of attractive men on our campus, minus the boys that are living at the UGLi, we’ll meet around one guy every semester that clicks with us in some way that won’t end up in a Valentine’s Day date. If you’re lucky, you’ll get a mixture of the following types of boys throughout your four years in Ann Arbor.
1. Her Questionably Gay Best Friend
We all know him. This is the guy that wears exclusively J.Crew, is never opposed to doing photobooth, and is always down for a Panera lunch date. He’s the guy who you can talk to about anything – your hair, your love life, or how much you hate the annoying girl in your discussion. He’s great to gossip with. He’ll call you out when you wear leggings five days in a row. He might not even be gay – but it’s so obvious that the two of you will never get together that you might as well just cuddle up and watch Gossip Girl. If it were socially acceptable, he would definitely be a bridesmaid.
2. Her Soul Sister
We all love talking to our girlfriends about our problems. I mean it’s pretty much what we do best. But getting a guys perspective is grossly underrated. This is the quiet, chill guy that just seems to have the entire world figured out. He votes, reads the New York Times, and you don’t understand half the words he says. He probably has the highest IQ (and exam grade) in his advanced thermodynamics class, or is majoring in Philosophy or Neuroscience. He’s the guy who you talk to about your girl problems, your boy problems, your family problems, and every crisis that arises – from losing your blackberry to failing your calculus midterm.
3. Her Bro Buddy
With the emergence of truly affluent media such as Total Frat Move, BroBible, and Charlie Sheen’s twitter account – it has never been more “cool” to be the biggest “bro.” This is a highly competitive pursuit, as “bro-ness” is the accredited indicator of superiority among the male species. If you can find one of these interesting specimen, I would suggest be-friending the said character. He will teach you how to spit, chug, shotgun, and generally maintain your swagger appeal. Best of all, he’s so busy being the king of the bros that he won’t even notice you as a potential outlet to spit all of his mad game at. Bonus: He probably has a lot of cute friends. Not-Bonus: They are probably very bro too. Consolation Prize: You’ll be conditioned to meet them, and pound them in beer pong.
4. Her Heartthrob
You can’t help yourself from texting him, you check his Facebook page daily, and you wish more than anything that you wouldn’t blush every time he walks in the room. These don’t come around too often, and it might be wise to just run the other direction when they do. This is the boy that you can’t stop thinking about, and that you can’t find the self-control to ignore. He’s different for every girl. He’s the guy that distracts you from your reading, makes you ditch your friends, and hogs all of your daydreaming time. Better hope yours is a decent guy – these ones are hard to shake. It’s likely you might not be able to be friends.
5. Her Safety School
Jerks without manners that ignore you and hit on your friends? These are the boys that we usually like. But we all know the other guys – the ones that open doors, walk you home, do their homework, call their mothers, and have a heart of gold. It’s the guy that would never cheat on you, never treat you poorly, and that will love you forever. Unfortunately, for many of us, it’s the guy that we’re “just not that into.” Sometimes, we just can’t force ourselves to fake the chemistry.
6. Her “Keep Dreaming”
This guy can present himself in one of three scenarios. You think you’re too good for him, he thinks he’s too good for you, or for some reason or another… It’ll never happen. This category also includes but is not limited to: GSIs, your girlfriend’s ex-boyfriends, your older brother’s friends, and anyone you meet on Chat Roulette. Note: Never go on Chat Roulette.
7. Her Wing Man
The best kept secret of partying in college – The Wing Man. Yes, going out with a guy friend is a great technique when trying to scare off creepers or in ensuring you will be looked after if you slap the bag one too many times. But with a Wing Man, you’ll be more approachable, and seen as somebody to have fun and hang out with – instead of just “that slam piece in the red skirt.” You’ll get walked home and he will look like a hot commodity. Win-win situation.
8. Her Pedestal
You meet this guy. You can’t keep your hands off of him, he plays the piano, he makes you laugh until your well-conditioned abs hurt, and he loves even your most obnoxious friends. Things are going amazingly and then…he shows up in an Ohio State jersey.
Surely, an OSU jersey is not a deal breaker, but other things can be. Sometimes a guy seems like a gem and then all of the sudden, he’s chewing with his mouth open, telling horrible jokes, trying way too hard, or criticizing your favorite politician. Hopefully, you can find a way to turn him into a good friend (see #7).