Growing up, I was always the kind of girl who had an exact image of how my college experience would be. While I wasn’t always sure exactly what school I would end up at, I pictured myself as successful, involved, and active in my campus community. I pictured myself with friends from all over campus, going out every weekend, meeting new people everywhere I went. Most of all, I pictured myself being happy. So when my freshman year didn’t go exactly as planned, it was extremely difficult for me to forget my ideas of how my entry into college should be.
I came to Michigan, as many freshman women do, incredibly excited to go through Panhellenic recruitment. My own mother had raved my whole life about the amazing time she had had in her own sorority here at UM Ann Arbor, and I just knew that rush would work out the same way for me. So when I ended up having to drop out of rush, it was scary. I didn’t know where I would live the next year, I didn’t know how I would meet new friends, and I didn’t know how I would find my identity in Michigan’s enormous student body. Almost all of my absolute best friends ended up in sororities, both at Michigan and at other schools, and I was worried that they would forget about me in the bustle of Greek life. It turns out they didn’t, but at the time, I didn’t know any better – and it was so easy to feel overwhelmed in the huge, looming presence of Greek life on campus when I, myself, was not part of it.
Once I got over my initial panic after my first misstep of college, I started looking for other ways to spend my time and invest myself into. I convinced myself that I should get involved in as many community service organizations as I had time for. I pictured myself visiting people in hospitals, raising money for important organizations, spending time with abandoned and abused animals – and smiling with a group of fellow volunteers-turned-best friends by my side. This was going to be my new thing, I just knew it. So I scoured the Maize Pages for all of the community service organizations I could find, and started sending out emails left and right. If an organization sounded even remotely interesting, I would email their president telling them how much I would love to work for their organization and how excited I was to hear back from them. I even got my roommate in on some of them. We waited eagerly for their replies, ranking our favorite organizations and smugly praising ourselves for being such involved freshmen. Once again, I just knew that this would be my “thing.” How could it not be? It wasn’t like rush, an intimidating and sometimes exclusionary process, right? I was bound to join the organizations and meet my people. After a couple days, I started getting emails back. And almost all of them read some variation of, “Thanks so much for your interest, but we’re actually at capacity/not taking any applicants at this time/past our point of recruitment. Please try us again next year!” Once again, I was crushed. Not a single organization had room for me or my roommate, and so it was back to square one.
The next semester, I decided that professional organizations would be my new “thing.” I rushed a pre-professional fraternity relating to my major, and also applied for a position in a high-profile club relating to my major. I bought new “business-casual” clothes to wear to my impending interviews. I spent hours researching these organizations so that I would be able to nail the interviews. My mom even bought me a little black leather portfolio and resume paper to give me even the tiniest professional edge. And, like the times before this, I got my hopes up. I pictured myself as a leader in these organizations… kicking ass, taking names, and finding a place for myself in the campus community all at once. And so once again, when I was rejected from both the pre-professional fraternity and the professional club, I was crushed. How did this happen? Why was it that every time I set my sights and expectations on something, I was always disappointed? Would I never find my place here at Michigan?
Along with the various rejections and deferrals from all of these various places came a slew of other difficulties. A seriously weakened immune system lead to me having some sort of illness for almost all of the year (hell yeah, I survived #Noro2k16). Being away from my parents, brother, boyfriend, and two best friends at different schools – the people who had always been my support system and were always only a max 12 minute drive away when I needed a hug, ice cream, long talk, or just to sit there with me – were so far away. I was stuck on North Campus for the year, and as anyone who lived in Bursley or Baits will tell you, the “north campus bubble” is so real and at times can be seriously, seriously isolating. In the beginning of the year, I had a lot of trouble understanding that unlike high school, I would actually have to try for my grades. So about halfway through the first semester, I learned that lesson the hard way, and had to bust my ass for the rest of the semester to salvage what I could of my GPA. (In my defense, though…. I’mma let you finish, but I pulled off one of the greatest grade turn-arounds of all time…) To put a long and honestly pretty miserable story short, freshmen year was definitely not what I expected. Not even in the slightest. But, you know what? I needed it.
I came to college as a girl who always got what she wanted. In high school, if I wanted something, I got it. From athletic accomplishments, to student organizations like student congress and various different academic clubs, to academic accomplishments like grades and ACT scores, I had it all. And I never really had to work that hard for it either. If I wanted an A on a test, I would look over the notes before class and be able to ace it. If I wanted a certain position in an organization, I would just get stellar recommendations from teachers who loved me, write some stellar essays, and have it in my hands. Even when I applied to Michigan, I didn’t really have to break my back for it. I know some people might read that and think “wow, what an arrogant little piece of shit!” But it’s true. My grades and ACT score were already in place without much effort, and I worked with a college tutor on my essays and application. I had extra curriculars, leadership positions, athletic accomplishments, and more. And in my personal life, it was basically the same. I had (and still have) an amazing group of friends, a stellar family, a loving, supportive boyfriend, and was generally a pretty social person. Virtually everything was easy for me, and while it was nice, it wasn’t doing anything to serve my character. I wasn’t growing as a person, and I probably wouldn’t have if it weren’t for everything that happened this year.
I needed to learn that not everything in my life is going to be handed to me. I’m not perfect, and there are always people out there who are going to be more talented, more qualified, more intelligent, or more charming than I am. I’m not the best at everything, and while that certainly doesn’t mean that I’m not an incredibly capable, intelligent, strong human being, it does mean that I’m probably not always going to get what I want and live happily ever after. This year was a much needed check for my ego, and it taught me a lot about myself, my weaknesses, and my general viewpoint on myself and my life. I learned that I desperately needed to work on my interview skills with people I didn’t know. I learned that I needed to stop mentally placing myself “above” other people and start accepting others for the special and valuable people that they are. I learned that although rejection is seriously no fun, the only way to catch a fish is to cast a line.
Freshmen year wasn’t all losses, either. I came away with a lot of great new insight on myself as a person and on what it takes to make it as a small fish in a big pond. I gained a new best friend in my roommate, who I literally do not think I could have gotten through this year without (shout out to you, Nat. You keep me sane, woman). I got to explore an amazing city and be (almost) completely independent for the first time in my life. (OK, fine, I’m literally not even close to independent, but it was a start…) I gained an entirely new perspective on what it means to be successful, and how to go about achieving this success. I got an ego-check while simultaneously learning to love myself more, which sounds like a contradiction, but I can tell you it’s not. Most importantly, I learned that life doesn’t have to look like your fairytale to be fulfilling.
Photos courtesy of Britt Boyle & www.cleveland.com.