I am a 20-year-old female in an almost four-year relationship. It is a story from a romance novel, high school sweethearts turned long distance, turned living together while one is in college and the other looks for work. However, not everything is a fairytale or a romance novel in life. Relationships take time, trust, patience, and work. Four years may not be “long-term” to most, but it can seem like forever. This is my perspective on the rollercoaster of long-term relationships and what I have found helpful!
Be Open
Going from living with your parents to living with a significant other can be difficult. In my experience, I thought I knew my partner and I set expectations for what living with them would be. However, it can be hard to understand who you are and how others perceive you. In a long-term relationship, the environment and your needs are constantly changing. This is something to take into consideration! Your version of messy or organized may be different than your partners. I know what you’re thinking, but I already know them! Maybe you do, maybe you don’t. A lot can be uncovered as a relationship progresses. This requires being open about changes in your partner, understanding changes in yourself, and accepting feedback.
Communicate and Comprehension
Communication is key! Yada yada yada. Everyone says it, but what does it really mean? Relationships are hard work that take loyalty and time. Simple misunderstandings could be swept under the rug, or they could fester and build until they become volatile and end up hurting those involved. You have to communicate your feelings, thoughts, ideas, perspectives, and values. Whether or not everything needs to be shared is an independent conversation, but talking is vital for a successful relationship. On top of communication, listening and striving to understand are also important. You can’t listen without comprehending or talk without helping the other person comprehend. Be patient and willing to further explain or question in a conversation. This will help everyone feel valued and make communication more successful.Â
Spend Quality Time Together
I will say this a million times over, spending quality time with each other is so important. All relationships, and especially long-term relationships require bonding. A really easy way to accomplish this is to simply put your phones away when you are together. Watch a movie without your phones, be present when on a drive, and eat meals uninterrupted. A few of my favorite activities include walking through shops downtown, playing board/card games, or watching our favorite TV show together. Sprinkle a few dates throughout the month. Dates do not have to be expensive, far away, or fancy. Simply making dinner and going on a walk can count. Just be present!Â
Be Aware of Compromise
We are all aware of what a compromise is, but not the significance it holds. Compromise requires consideration. Are you stressed, tired, a little irritable, and just not feeling the environment? Can you spot when your partner feels the same way? Or how about when you feel this way but your partner doesn’t? Does that impact how you interact? I noticed that if I was stressed and tired I often didn’t want to do as much as I normally did. Whereas my partner had no issue with resuming daily life. We had to compromise. I couldn’t neglect our relationship, but I also didn’t have the energy to give my 100%. Therefore, I agreed to keep our relationship a priority, but also make sure that I am taking care of myself as a priority. In return, my partner would be a little more understanding of my situation and help where they could. This may seem like a weird compromise, but it isn’t always a fight or issue. It is simply an agreement. Compromises can also be based on who makes dinner, who pays for a meal, who drives, or even who gets the last piece of chocolate in the bag when you both want it. However, not everything requires a compromise.
Boundaries and Forgiveness
Compromises are great, don’t get me wrong, but boundaries are also important. If you are stressed and burnt out because of life and your partner wants to offer to do the dishes if you go grocery shopping, but you simply don’t have the energy, don’t compromise for your partner. Talk it out and set your boundaries. In this case, you may find an alternate solution where you can still relax, yet take on chores. Boundaries are always healthy for a relationship. For example, I get overstimulated easily while my partner is very physical touch-oriented. When I am studying I do not like to feel as though I am confined by someone. So, I set the boundary of my space, and we compromise by sitting at our desks together, in the same space, or sitting next to each other touching. With boundaries comes forgiveness. Forgiveness is so important. If no one had forgiveness I am unsure relationships would ever last. People often spend a lot of time with their partners which is wonderful, however, this can also mean it is easier to get annoyed, bottle up emotions, or let the little things bother you. So, just remember everyone is human and everyone makes mistakes! If your partner eats your leftovers, breaks an item, forgets to call you, or even misses an important day, just remember mistakes are human.Â
Don’t Be Afraid of Independence
Do not be afraid to be independent! You are still a baddie through and through. Go on that run, take that class, go to that shop, and do that scary thing. You do not have to do everything with your significant other! It is not required and you should still dedicate time to yourself. I find it helpful to wear headphones while I am studying and sit in a different location than my partner when we are both home because I still need some time to myself. It is also okay to rely on your partner. Relationships are unique, special, and ultimately molded and crafted by those involved. These are just a few things I found to be helpful in long-term relationships.
Most of all the best advice I can give is to just enjoy the journey! Relationships are not linear. It is okay to bicker, sulk, cry, laugh, and just be lost as well. Relationships are one long rollercoaster that has twists, turns, dopamine spikes, fear, and the destination is never really known, only predicted. You are beautiful and do what is best for your relationship!