Growing up, I never had clear skin. Starting in third grade, I remember small blemishes appearing on my face, spots that looked like papules sprinkling the surface of my skin, my arms plastered with small bumps. I learned how to become insecure about my skin before I even knew what skin issues I was dealing with. Entering my teen years, I developed acne that continued to exacerbate as I got older. Come my junior year of high school, my skin was covered with pimples and hyperpigmentation. I was heavily ashamed to go out in public with my skin looking the way it did. After tolerating such issues for so long, I finally decided to make a change.
The summer after my junior year of high school, I seeked to find a real solution to my problem, researching different products that would work for my skin and testing them. What I did not realize I was doing was neglecting how sensitive my skin was, using products that stripped my skin of its moisture and contained heavy amounts of fragrance. Eventually, I started using a low percentage benzoyl peroxide cleanser suitable for my sensitive skin, moisturizing without any fragrance, and most importantly, I began to use sunscreen every day.
After a couple months of incorporating my new skincare routine, I began to see results. The clusters of blemishes that congregated on my chin and jawline areas vanished, and my hyperpigmentation began to subside. I had friends asking me for skincare advice, wondering how I was able to clear the blemishes I had for so long. For the first time in my life, I finally felt comfortable in my skin. I continued this skin routine up until I went to college without any issues. However, come the winter semester of my freshman year, everything felt like it was going downhill again.
I remember very vividly coming back from winter break and immediately developing acne around my chin and upper lip. Obviously, no one’s skin is perfect, and there is no one routine that prevents acne with 100% certainty. However, my gut was telling me that these few blemishes were not just a couple pimples that would come and go. As soon as these blemishes appeared on my face, they failed to disappear and only grew in number. For the rest of the semester, I regressed back to being extremely insecure about my skin, and I couldn’t figure out why I was breaking out again. Was my skin growing tolerant of my products? Was it stress? Was it my skin adjusting to the change in environment? Was it hormonal? I quickly grew frustrated with my skin, wondering why it appeared the way it did and why nothing I attempted to do would fix it.
This past summer, I grew so fed up with my acne that I decided to try at home retinol treatments from the recommendations of a friend, and from the amazing things I had heard about it from social media. Retinol is commonly used for acne or for its anti-aging properties, but it is very strong and must be used properly in order for its benefits to accrue. When using retinol to treat acne, a “purge” often occurs in which one’s skin becomes even more inflamed, typically with greater amounts of acne, dry and flaky skin, and hypersensitivity to the sun. I’ve been using retinol since July and when I say I purged, I purged. What I anticipated to be a 1-2 week period of inflammation actually become months of purging. Though the typical purging period may last a few months, for some it is shorter or longer. For me, my purging period was longer for sure. My skin grew to be the worst it had ever been, with skin so dry that it occasionally burned when I put moisturizer on. I developed large cysts all over my face. Acne that originated around my chin and mouth spreading to my cheeks and forehead. I felt so ugly.
At this very moment of writing this, I am still using retinol—the strongest retinoid that can be purchased over the counter. While I can say that I am not purging as greatly as I was a few months ago, I still have plenty of blemishes and hyperpigmentation that I am impatiently waiting to subside. However, I am sharing this to acknowledge a very common yet extremely stigmatized issue that plagues people around the world. Having acne is a large confidence killer and can be one of the most frustrating things to deal with. Personally, and much to my chagrin, I have felt my confidence lessen from my acne and I cannot help but dislike what I see the mirror. I very rarely leave the house without makeup due to my skin, and I often fear my friends and partner seeing the condition of my skin.
I am being completely candid about something I am highly insecure of for multiple reasons: I’m frustrated with the myths and stigmatization surrounding acne, and I hate seeing myself and others insecure about something that is completely normal. For starters, acne comes from a variety of factors—whether it is hormonal or genetic—and is not always a result of one’s mistreatment of their skin. Furthermore, telling someone with acne to “just wash their face” or “drink more water” is misrepresentative of actual acne treatments, undermining the real struggle that comes with acne because it is typically outside of the individual’s control.
Another thing to take note of (and this is something that I am actively working on) is understanding that acne or any other skin condition does not make you inherently unattractive and should not be a factor in assessing your self worth. We live in a society where deviating from what is typically seen in public or social media makes us feel incompetent or ugly. And especially for women, the desire to look perfect is pushed upon us in a variety of ways and places and can be detrimental to our self-esteem. As somebody who is working on building my confidence while having acne, it is so important to me to understand that beauty comes in a plethora of ways and is subjective, and that your physical appearance is non-determinant of your worth and beauty of your character. Yes, having acne is hard and is frustrating, but there are a variety of things you have to offer to the world besides your skin.