Haven’t snatched up a beau in time for Valentine’s Day? Well, before you empty your tear ducts into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s while you put on Bon Iver to mumbly narrate your solitude, I have another cool(ish) list for you:
People Who Have It Worse Than You This Valentine’s Day:
5. Probably Justin Vernon
Speaking of Bon Iver, have you actually read some of those lyrics? This is a man that’s probably been on suicide watch since he was a fetus. While I love him for creating those hauntingly beautiful songs, when you actually look up the lyrics (because there’s no way you can understand what he’s saying) and wrap your brain around the fact that there are people who feel these feelings…well, it’s rough. #pray4boniver
4. Manti Te’o
He had a cancer-stricken girlfriend who survived a car crash, but then died because remember how she had cancer? Oh wait, she never even existed to begin with.Yup, that’s all I have for that one.
3. “30 Rock” Fans
One of television’s most brilliant comedies came to a close on January 31 after bringing joy to millions for seven years. Sure, there are other great shows on television today, but now those millions of people have a giant void in there lives without the presence of Liz Lemon, Jack Donaghy, and Kenneth The Page. I personally handled this by crying in the lounge of my dorm with complete strangers, which is totally normal behavior for those experiencing the loss of their spouse or an immediate family member.
2. People Having a Herpes Outbreak
I’m going to go ahead and assume that having any kind of STD is a bummer, but let’s say you’re fortunate enough to have found a caring person that loves you for who you are, who looks past your past, and disregards the fact that your junk is kind of weird. Now, let’s say it’s Valentine’s Day, and all of your elaborate, romantic plans are shattered because your junk is being weirder than usual. This Valentine’s Day, just take a moment to be thankful that you’re not en route to CVS with your boyfriend so you can pick up your Zovirax prescription.
1. Taylor Swift
Bouncing from one extremely well manicured man to the next, Taylor Swift seems to have a hard time holding on to a boyfriend. She also seems to have a hard time being single (see: any Taylor Swift song ever). Since Tay Tay just ended her long term relationship with One Direction man-child Harry Styles, it’s probably safe to assume she’ll be spending this holiday with her favorite rhyming dictionary and built-up angst to pen another song about her latest scorned lover. Sounds exhausting.
And there you have it. While you may think your boyfriend-less Valentine’s Day sucks, just remember – it could be worse.