Tinder, a location based “dating” app that allows users to swipe through pictures of people of their desired gender (left for “not interested” and right for “interested”) that allows users to chat if both parties swiped to the right, is becoming overwhelmingly popular on Michigan’s campus. I typically find at least 5-10 people that I personally know or recognize when I sit down to swipe. At first, I did not completely understand the obsession. Why is this app, that has been around for a couple of years, suddenly so popular? Yes, Greek Life being temporarily banned has lessened the opportunities to meet people. But, all you do is swipe and maybe exchange a few pick up lines over tinder message. What’s the big deal? Oh, I could not have been more naive. If you just downloaded the app, listen up. Here are the many possible stages of tinder usage that you may experience:
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Phase one: This app is stupid…oh wait
This is weird. Why am I swiping through all these pictures of random people? Why does that guy have a picture with his cat? Is that a guy or a girl? I’ve swiped through three guys who go to online college, I’m deleting this app immediately. Oh, wait, this guy isn’t bad. Okay, swipe right. Oh, we matched. He thinks I’m cute? Oh my god he messaged me. He called me beautiful!! Wow, is it getting hot in here? Matches are compiling. All of the sudden, I have 15 pick up lines sitting in my inbox. Everyone thinks I’m so pretty! I am EATING UP this attention, definitely not deleting this app. And thus the tinder addiction has begun.
2) Phase two: Irrational Confidence
I am feeling on top of the world. I have hundreds of matches, I am so successful. Nothing can bring me down. I am peaking. I refresh my canvas page to look at my obviously stellar grades. Wait, am I reading this correctly? No, this cannot be right. I got a B on my exam?? But I matched with Joe from the rowing team today. You know, hot Joe? I’M AWESOME. I need to get back to swiping, canvas is clearly just malfunctioning.
3) Phase three: Am I in love??
Wait okay so I get that this app is completely based on looks but I think I’ve found the one. This guy GETS me. He is so clever! Probably super smart. He has a picture with his dad, a family man! He is so nice too. He complimented my eyes. I think we’re about to date.
4) Phase four: Ghost
Okay so remember that guy I just said I was in love with? Well, things were obviously going fantastically, on the fast track to marriage, but he hasn’t responded to me in a week. What the hell. We were MADE for each other! Did I not win him over with my humor and wit?? Or my impeccable good looks? He left every Snapchat opened. What is happening? Did he die? And just like that, poof, he’s gone.
5) Phase five: My life is meaningless
All men want is sex. How many times have I read the line “you up?” at this point. No one will ever love me. Ugh all of these guys are so ugly lately. Wait what is happening? Why are no more pictures coming up? What is this weird circle pulsing on my screen? “There’s no one new around you.” WHAT. You mean to say that I have swiped through every man within a 10-15 mile radius of the University of Michigan, one of the largest public universities? Wow, my life is truly pathetic. I spent that much time on this app that I have literally run out of people to swipe through.
6) Phase six: I need to get my life together
Okay, well at this point I’ve wasted days on this app scrolling through disrespectful men and getting ghosted. The time has finally come for me to delete this app and get my life together. I am so much better than this. Maybe I should just try being a normal person and meeting someone in my class. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do. Thanks for the memories, Tinder, it’s been a wild ride. I’m out.
So, if you were wondering what your Tinder experience could be, here is an idea. But spoiler alert: just because you hit phase six does not mean it’s over. The cycle is deadly and repeats itself. You never truly know how many times you will delete and re-download this app and relive the emotional roller coaster that is Tinder. Proceed with caution.
Images courtesy of: Tinder.com