This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at U Mich chapter.
As February creeps in, filling store shelves with heart-shaped balloons, boxed chocolates, and teddy bears; the love-bug invades peoples’ thoughts. Perhaps many of your friends are falling into relationships, and you’ve started third-wheeling it more often during events. The dry spell in your love-life is frustrating and you’re wondering if you’re fated to be single for the rest of your life? What you may not realize is that your body language and expectations for a potential boyfriend may be deterring you from actually finding him or realizing that he’s already in your life! Don’t worry, because we list some factors that may be hindering your search for love.
- You’re oblivious. If you’ve been out of the dating scene for awhile, your flirtation-radar may be a little rusty, causing you to overlook signs that a guy is interested in getting to know you.
- Classic moves that he’s interested:
- Sits next to you in class, when there are many other empty seats
- Strikes up a conversation that lasts longer than a “hello”
- Walks with you to class
- Offers to walk you home after a party, a club meeting, a trip from the library, etc.
- Offers to carry your books, if you look like you’re struggling
- You can always rationalize that he’s doing these things just to “be nice” but, clearly, he’s putting in the effort in getting to know you, so give him a chance!
- Classic moves that he’s interested:
- You’re too picky. You may have pictured your prince-charming as a Ryan Gosling-look-a-like, but the truth is, the right guy is probably not going to fulfill your entire mental-checklist. You have to expand your pool of “acceptable” guys. Specifically, you should be less picky on looks, but not necessarily on your morals.
- A common trap you may fall into is flocking to guys with “complex” personalities of being damaged, cynical, or bad-boys. You think that you can change these men for the better, but that’s usually not the case, and their complex personalities end up causing problems in the relationships. Rather than instantly falling for the mysterious guy, try going for the guy who is obviously sweet, even if he sports an average-Joe look. In the long-run, looks will fade, but personalities remain.
- You’re not sending the appropriate signals. Being approachable is key to meeting guys, yet many girls put off vibes that don’t clearly convey that they want to be in committed relationships.
- A. Being “one of the guys” – Getting along with your crush’s friends is certainly encouraged, but don’t get too caught up in getting friendly with the guys, to the point where your crush can’t even tell that you’re into him! Brett,* a senior at the University of Michigan explains how to avoid that confusion, “I would expect the girl to pay more attention to me than my guy-friends do. If she’s more attached to me and does things…like puts her head on my shoulder or sends some sort of signal, it’s a good sign she’s interested.”
- B. The hook-up vibe – It’s college, of course you’re going to have some crazy nights with guys. Yet, if it’s a regular occurrence, you may carry the reputation of a girl who likes to have a good time, but wants nothing serious. While it is possible to turn hook-ups into relationships, you must put extra effort into conveying that you want more beyond the physical. So, tone down the casual hook-ups for awhile. Show that you want to take things slow and guys may see you as having more girlfriend-potential.
- C. The clingy vibe – You jump the gun. A guy asks you to hang out and now you constantly text him. He doesn’t respond within 5 minutes, you freak and ask if he’s okay, what he’s up to, or if he wants to hang out. It screams “needy” even if that wasn’t your intention. Charlie,* a senior at Michigan explains how, “it indicates a girl isn’t comfortable with herself. I value a girl’s independence if I’m looking to date her.”
- D. Proper communication – Knowing how to say “no” is just as important as knowing how to say “yes” when making plans with guys. If a guy (in whom you are interested) asks you to hang out, but you’re busy at the moment, decline politely. Show that you are interested in him by suggesting a specific day in the following week to hang out.
- You lack self-confidence – Men detect confidence like a pheromone. Psyching yourself out that girls around you are so much prettier, more charismatic, or have something more to offer is doing more harm than good. Focus on your positive aspects, and guys will notice instantly.
- You are too self-confident. Having too much self-confidence to the point where it comes off as conceit is a major turn-off to guys. Anthony,* confessed that one of the first things he notices about a girl “is if she has a friendly, welcoming vibe. You can tell that she is confident and sure of herself, but not egotistical.” Egotism is not sexy. It attracts guys for a moment, but the interest can fade fast. Be confident in your own skin, and it will shine through naturally. You don’t have to prove you’re amazing by stating it every five minutes.
- The timing is off. Maybe you have met some great guys, but the situation was not in your favor (i.e. he was graduating college or you went abroad). Another reason may be that you’re so involved with your job, classes, and extracurricular activities that, though a boyfriend may be nice, you don’t exactly have the time to look for one or give enough time to maintaining a relationship.
- You have a small friend group. Through college, it becomes harder to meet new guys, when you’re hanging out with close friends every day of the week. Unless you’ve got your eye on one of your guy friends, make an effort to meet new people. The easiest way is through extracurricular activities whether it be volunteering, a new club, or maybe even class (especially labs, where you’re forced to work together!)
- You don’t put much effort into appearance. Don’t slouch in sweats all week long. Pick a few days to doll yourself up, not for guys, but for yourself. Making yourself look your best increases your confidence. Keeping a polished appearance also shows that you care about yourself, and men definitely dig that.
- You’re too high maintenance. Taking care of yourself is necessary, but wanting to control everything can drive guys away. Relationships usually happen spontaneously, so if you enter a new fling with the mindset that you can control him to suit your needs, it’s not going to work. Learn to relax and adapt to new situations, as they can surprise you with even better experiences.
- You’re holding on to past problems. If you aren’t emotionally ready to invest yourself in a relationship, guys can sense that and it will cause problems quickly. For instance, if you just got out of a break-up, it’s normal to have a few months being single and re-evaluating what you want in a relationship and out of life. To rapidly enter a new fling wouldn’t be appropriate or healthy for you. Though it would provide a new guy to hold, you may still harbor feelings for your ex or those insecurities, which caused problems in the previous relationship. Similarly, if you’re dealing with personal problems with family or friends, it can take a toll on your ability to enter a new relationship.
- You’re an open doormat. Meaning you take what you can get without concretely stating what you expect out of a guy, or refusing something you don’t want to do. For instance, you may fall head-over-heels for a guy, but he just wants to be friends (i.e. friends-with-benefits). You stay along for the ride because having someone to hook-up with is better than nothing, right? Wrong. Clearly convey your feelings and guys will respect you more for it. Otherwise, you’ll keep floating around from guy to guy and probably receive some poor treatment.
Honestly, the right man may not appear immediately. Usually, that special someone shows up unexpectedly, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t make a concerted effort to do your part in being clear about what you want. Don’t use February as a deadline for you to have a man, and don’t fret if you don’t meet the right guy within the next couple of weeks. It only means that there’s something better coming your way!