Amatanormativity, what a big, fat word. Sociological terminology aside, have you noticed how a lot of people are prioritizing romantic relationships so much more than their families, relatives, and even friendships? Like somehow the idea of love is only found in one kind of relationship, and despite the other kinds in your life, people still act like it’s the only thing that makes their lives complete. But love, as a concept, is so much more than that! Amatanormativity, what a big, fat joke.
I’m looking up stuff about all the different kinds of love, what makes a good relationship, and what are some good ideas about sharing a little bit of something nice with people as a reminder of how much I love them, but then, I’m stuck because Valentine’s Day gift ideas tend to fall short when it comes to stuff that’s not romance centred. Don’t get me wrong! There’s nothing wrong with romantic love; I ADORE romance as an idea, a philosophy, a genre, or something to have in your life; it’s pretty great. But seeing it plastered EVERYWHERE leading up to Valentine’s Day gets exhausting, especially when you’re single. It’s not the loneliness or FOMO (or the ads turning love into a cash grab… yikes), but it becomes a constant reminder of a fear of loneliness that just follows you!
Oh relationships this, romance that, Love is in the air and it’s starting to smell bad. And as annoying it is, it’s when people start getting involved in your personal business that just adds salt to the wound. “Aren’t you lonely?” “All your friends are dating; of course they won’t have time for you.” “You need to go find someone; you don’t want to be alone forever!” Sound familiar? Yeah, I feel you. And it’s not that they’re trying to be mean, and to give credit where credit is due, there’s the idea of Galentine’s Day (love the wordplay here), but it’s not the same as when people treat Valentine’s Day as a day of ‘Love’ and use that as a shorthand for romance.
So after doing a deep dive, I found a word that explained this: Amatanormativity. Elizabeth Brake coined the term by combining two words together: Amatus, the Latin word for beloved, and normativity, a play on the word heteronormativity. Simply put, it’s the idea that “Everyone is better off in an exclusive, romantic, long-term coupled relationship, and everyone is seeking such a relationship.” Yeah… see how that’s not realistic? Sure, some people, including those within LGBTQiA+ spaces, might also adhere to this expectation, but the problem is that not only does it exclude a large variety of people, but it’s an unrealistic expectation to begin with.
Anyone who is Asexual and/or Aromantic or even single by choice is going to bear the brunt of the problem, but this isn’t something that just affects them. People in general are going to be forced into relationships simply to be in relationships, even if they’re bad for them or are incompatible with one another.
Amatanormativity also goes hand in hand with these other kinds of normatives and affects a lot of people in the long run:
- Heteronormativity: the assumption that all people are going to be heterosexual and leaves no room for various other orientations like lesbians, gay or bi (pan, poly, omni) sexual.
- Allonormativity: the assumption that all people experience sexual attraction, leaving no room for asexual people.
- Cisnormativity: The idea that everyone is cisgender, or that their identity matches that of the sex the person was assigned at birth, leaving no room for people who are non-binary and transgender.
- Endonormativity: This one is a little bit hard to follow, but the opposite of intersex is endosex. The assumption that everyone is going to be endosex, leaving no room for intersex people.
- Mononormativity: The idea that people should be in a single monogamous relationship, leaving no room for Non-monogamous folk.
- Sexual Normativity: The assumption that everyone experiences sexual desire and looks for opportunities to act on it. This can affect anyone in a number of ways, because it’s not about attraction; this one is specifically on the action of sexual desire and how people are supposed to act.
- Repronormativity: The assumption that everyone is supposed to have kids at some point in their lives. This will effect anyone in general who just doesn’t want to have kids.
- Homo-normativity: a form of policing sexual and gender expressions in the LGBTQPiA+ spaces, the idea that lesbian and gay men’s relationships should only function similarly to heterosexual relationships and must adhere to heteronormative ideals for them to be acceptable. Based on this, there is an underlying assumption that queer people want to be part of the dominant, mainstream heterosexual culture, and the way that society rewards those who do is by defining them as more worthy of rights and visibility.
- Bi-normativity: The adoption of limiting, namely heterosexist practices, beliefs, and norms into bisexual culture and community. Similar to homonormativity, it expects bisexual people to adhere to heterosexual culture to be seen as people worthy of rights and visibility.
All of these ideas are based on assumptions that leave a lot out when it comes to the human experience of love, desire, and companionship. This Valentine’s Day, let’s move away from this idea of love and let me introduce to you the different forms of love and attraction!
The Ancient Greeks had the right idea for the different kinds of love, hence why there are so many different names for them!
- Eros: The easiest one people understand, with the same name as the God of love, Eros refers to passionate, sexual love that most people often feel at first. It can be fleeting, but it can also be intense.
- Agape: Another way of looking at this form of love is compassion, one that goes beyond just love and is about kindness to others, also known as charity. Selfless, sacrificial, unconditional, and unmotivated love that goes above and beyond, almost a mystical understanding of the idea. It can also include a love of nature.
- Storge: Love of Family, the bond shared with family and close relatives, even with parents.
- Philia: Love of Friendship. The depiction of friendship is a bit stronger than the modern understanding of it, where it is a love that goes beyond physical attraction, but in the modern sense, the true love of friendship.
- Philautia: Love of the self, not to be confused with narcissism. Self-love is a kind of love we’ve been bringing back into the modern realm, not only as a form of love but as something we need.
- Pragma: Mature love, an essential part to make relationships work long term. According to a number of definitions, it includes duty, reason, and shared goals. This kind of love doesn’t limit itself to romantic partnerships, but it does play an active part in it.
- Ludos: Playful love, flirtation, and a form of uncommitted love. Not necessarily a bad thing, but there is a word for it.
- Mania: Obsessive love, the unhealthy kind of love where a person is obsessed with another and oftentimes wants to control or possess the other person. Sometimes it can be called Obsessive Love Disorder. TL;DR: toxic love.
- Meraki: To do something with love, the love and passion for what you do.
- Xenia: The ancient Greek concept of hospitality, a relationship rooted in generosity, gift exchange, and reciprocity, a way to respect and honour both the guests and hosts.
There are so many different kinds of attraction, since people always assume it’s always sexual or romantic.
- Romantic Attraction: The magnetic pull one feels when being pulled to someone, the desire for romantic connection with another person.
- Sexual Attraction: physical urges, a kind of attraction that has less to do with liking a person but more to do with their looks. Thinking someone is hot can be a good sign of sexual attraction.
- Platonic Attraction: The urge to befriend someone. Less like a crush, but more on the platonic, friendly side.
- Intellectual Attraction: Attraction based on intelligence. Finding someone intelligent and smart and feeling a pull towards them based on that.
- Aesthetic Attraction: Finding someone beautiful, like looking at a painting or a sunset. Appreciating beauty can also come from aesthetic attraction.
- Sensual Attraction: The urge to touch another person, not in a sexual way, but just more like the feel of another person’s touch.
- Tertiary Attraction: An umbrella term that includes types of attraction that are not strictly categorizable into romantic or sexual attraction.
In the end, relationships and love are very complicated concepts. We are all capable of deep connections that go beyond just the typical stuff we’re expected to follow. All of these come together to show that we are capable of so much love and compassion in our lives, and no matter how many different flavours of love or the kinds of relationships we have, they can all be celebrated and seen as important in our lives!
