The Art of Digital Dating – being single and ready to mingle in the digitized dating world

Dating sucks sometimes. There is no way of sugarcoating or putting a nicer spin on it, sometimes it just sucks. Sure, being single is a blast, but when it comes down to “testing the romantic waters”, dating can become a recurring shark week. Of course, outside of the awkwardness and stress underlying the getting to know someone stages, dating can also be pretty exciting. Nothing beats the feeling of butterflies and euphoria when you really like someone and things seem to be progressing in a positive way, or maybe even developing into something further. However, the road to positivity isn’t always scenic in the land of dating. There tend to be a lot of occasional “bumps” along the way. No one can deny the overwhelming anxiety of wondering “do they like me”, or the utter agony when you’re stuck on a date with someone who you’d describe as, well, less than your ideal match. The dating dilemmas can appear to be endless when you’re living the bachelor life as a millennial, and to complicate matters even more, our dating world has managed to expand itself into our online and social media lives. With the rise in popularity of online dating sites like Plenty of Fish and OKCupid, and social media applications like Tinder, dating has managed to expand from physical reality to digital reality. While some people remain skeptic, digital dating is becoming a common norm. Although some may deny it, a large number of singles currently use, or have at least experimented with online dating and social media-based dating applications. 

For those who have chosen to take a walk along the digital dating path, you know it can be just as taunting as going to a party or a bar and trying to intermingle with fellow singles. Even though it does not matter as much about what you look like when you’re behind your laptop making a profile, or swiping left or right on your iPhone, appearances tend to matter even more when you’re dating online. The pictures you post are really the only first impression a “digital suitor” has of you, and while that photo of you in a Freddy Krueger costume may show off your creativity and love for thrillers, it may not attract the masses.  Besides the overriding reliance on image, digital dating can also throw you into a very grey area of “unknown”. While many applications are safe, just like with “in real life dating”, you do have to be careful and cautious about who you’re talking to, how much personal information you are giving them, and if they are who they say they are. That being noted, this new form of dating opens you up to people you may have never had the opportunity to meet with otherwise, and brings you together with people of common interests, who otherwise wouldn’t be a part of your “normal social setting”. Of course, there are also bound to be a few creeps out there, and just like going to a bar, party, or any social setting, you’re bound to have some nice, and some not-so-nice encounters.

(One of my own lovely Tinder encounters) 

Even though I had tampered in the world of Tinder, besides a few flirtatious messages, being the recipient of a lot of terrible pickup lines, and having a couple of awkward matches with guys I knew, I could not say I was an expert digital dater. The real question is whether or not there are rules, regulations and things we should be aware of if we do decide to take the virtual road to dating. Just like any major dating issue in your life, the first thing to do is consult your friends, find out their dos, don’ts and personal horror stories.  I decided to ask fellow HC writers, Facebook friends and any other “digital daters” about their personal experiences in this whole new world of bachelors and bachelorettes. Not to my surprise, the stories were a mix of Mr. and Mrs. Not-So-Perfects, reasons for never going on Tinder ever again, and downright creeps. However, just like the “in real life” dating world, there were some success stories, and even some occurrences that would make the most skeptic romantic go “awe”.

Disclosure: All of the below are stories and events from the lives of real people, therefor, for the purpose of personal privacy, some names have been left out, and or changed. 

Tinder:

Initially released in September 2012, Tinder is a smartphone application which uses your Facebook profile and location to match you with a variety of singles in your area. You can customize the breakdown of your given matches by specifying your age range as well as

set a distance limit on who you’re being matched with. The application “shuffles” matches, and offers you a random selection of suitors based around your age and area specifications, of which you can decide to accept “swipe right” or pass on “swipe left”. If you and your desired match have both given each other the thumbs up, you will be notified on the match and can decide either to chat, or to keep on “swiping”. As one of our HC editors puts it, “Tinder is like a fun card game until you realize that those are real people and they may actually know who you are.” – Sarah, Ottawa

In terms of playing with Tinder, it can be just like a game of poker. You can play just for the fun of it, or make a real wager. You may hit the big win, leave empty handed, or leave with a lot less than you started with. Due to the applications rising popularity, my panel of digitized male and female singles had a lot to say:

The awkward in person date

“Well ma’am I can tell you, Tinder can be an interesting and strange place. The one time I used tinder for a match, I ended up meeting a girl on Ryerson campus for a coffee. Long story short, she was super awkward in person, only texted and had an obsession with David’s Tea that was far too annoying to deal with. I shortly after deleted my tinder. My moral of the story? I don’t like online dating things.”- Nino, Toronto

The Positives

“I ended up dating a girl for 4 months who I met on tinder. It was probably one of the healthiest relationships I’ve ever had. You can get whatever you want out of those sites, whether it be love or a quick [fling] or a conversation. It’s not good or evil.” Brad, Ottawa

“I met my ex over tinder (we had so many mutual friends but had never met before)! Once we went on our first date we stopped using the app and it kind of developed like a normal relationship” – Brooke, Ottawa

Just Friends

“I used tinder for about a week. From it I met a person who on paper should have been my soul mate. We had a ton of things in common, he was easy to talk to and challenged my views of the world. He also had a car; huge bonus. But when we met in person, I found his picture to be … an inaccurate depiction of himself, and found myself being attracted to him as just a friend. It was very interesting to see how meeting someone online, who you have an online connection with, can be so different than in person. In person you can hear their laugh, and feel a physical attraction to them, which let’s face it is hard to come by, and is what really makes or breaks a relationship (in any form) with another person.”- Anonymous

The guy who orders a double vodka and redbull… or three

“So I once agreed to go on a tinder date with a guy named “Greg”. When” Greg” first arrived at my doorstep, he was not at all how I pictured, but I managed to get past that. We got to the restaurant we had decided on. I hadn’t planned on eating, so I ordered an iced tea. He went ahead and ordered a double vodka and redbull. As he proceeded to spend the next hour talking only about himself, he ordered 2 more double vodka redbulls. Let me remind you it was a Tuesday afternoon. When the date was over, he tried to kiss me, which I declined. He still waited to text me an hour after we departed asking if he was being too forward. What do you think bud?”- Meaghan, Ottawa

The Panera-Bread Playwright

“I decided to veer from the norm of guys I date (business-y types) and try one who was artsy. Although he had lived in New York City for many years, he decided we should meet at a Panera. So we start talking, and he tells me he’s a playwright. Actually, scratch that, what he means is that he’s a waiter. But waiter boy decided to enthrall me with the details of one of his plays. I won’t horrify you with the disturbing details, but let’s just say that after hearing it, I just wanted to wrap myself in a blanket and tell my parents I love them.

I’m nothing if not a relentless optimist, so I thought I could still salvage this date. Then I made the mistake of telling him that I wasn’t very artistic. “WHAT!!!” he shrieks, “BUT ART IS EVERYWHERE!” reacting as if I’ve said that I’m not a fan of oxygen. He then launched on a five minute tirade about how art is in the clothes I wear, the music I hear, the buildings I see, and finally, banging his fist on the table, he screeches, “Do you see this table???This TABLE is ART” (Let me remind you, we are at a Panera.)  I left that date as quickly as I could and called my brother as I walked home. He picked up on the first ring, and I proclaimed, ‘I think I’m going to die alone and honestly, now, I’m completely fine with that’.” – Val, New York City 

The Babysitter

“My coworkers took my phone once and went on my tinder. I had a photo of my 5 year old brother that I had uploaded, so they wrote in my ‘about’ section that he was my son. They started flirting with girls, and then after a while they would ask these girls if they could babysit him sometime. The best part was that a couple of them were willing to do it.”- Cameron, Ottawa

LGBTQ Applications

Tinder does give you the option of making same-sex matches, but there are a variety of applications targeted more towards singles in the LGBTQ community. If interested, some of the popular applications include: Growlr and Grindr.

“I’ve had a success story in a relationship that is still going with my boyfriend. We both used an app called Growlr, it is based on location or you can search for locations. He had searched in the Ottawa region and we started to chat just like any other message, but instead of leading to a one night stand, it lead to exchanging numbers, texting, and then an eventual first date. Mind you, this communication was all long distance until I went home for the Christmas break last year and we actually met. Between the two of us we had both had our share of crappy dates, one night stands, and people who had bailed, so we were both skeptical of what would actually unfold for our relationship. All in all, it was a positive for us, FINALLY after weeding through everyone.

Also, for the LGBTQ side of everything, for men there are TONS of apps to choose from. A main that most men go to is Grindr, it is essentially like Tinder except that you have a grid of guys that are close in range, they have different headings you can put such as what you are looking for, what tribe “aka your group of gay you can call it” (for example, jock, twink, bear, etc.). There are other apps which are similar to it like Scruff, Growlr, and BoyAhoy all equally as popular. Speaking of Tinder, there is an option to put that you are interested in the same sex as you.” – Michael, Ottawa

BPM (Black People Meet)

Some websites, like blackpeoplemeet.com can let you specify your matches by race, if that is something of interest to you. Other popular dating websites even specify around culture, political interests, religious affiliations, and even general personal interests. 

The Romantic Ending

“After the semester ended last year, I was pretty sad since all my friends were going back home for the summer. I wanted to meet new people, and especially find a summer romance, so I decided to do the one thing I never thought I would do. I registered myself on a dating website after seeing an advertisement on Facebook. When I registered, I didn’t have high hopes for it. There were some creepy men and some really immature ones. I decided after a few more days, I would cancel my ‘membership’. Thank God I didn’t do it, because a few days later I received a message from a handsome man saying ‘I’m interested in you.’ It was so cute that I answered automatically. We instantly clicked and became good friends. About a week and a half ago, we celebrated our 3 month anniversary. I never thought I’d find a man as wonderful as him on a dating website. I love him so much, and I’m so happy that I decide to register myself on a dating site. At first it’s scary because you don’t know what to expect, but it’s so worth it in the end. People think dating websites are only for desperate people who can’t find someone. No, it’s a tool that allows shy people like me to meet wonderful people who don’t have that confidence to put themselves out there.” – Anonymous

A Mix of Everything

“I’ve tried three different dating apps: okCupid, Tinder, & Hinge. I’ve tried them all multiple times. Meaning, one day, I would suddenly feel as though I had exhausted the dating possibilities of all the men around me, re-download the apps, then after 1-3 days, thoroughly lose faith in mankind, then delete them all and decide that my ancestors were really onto something with that whole arranged marriage thing.” – Val, New York City

What can be gathered from all of this? Well, just like dating outside of your smartphone, laptop or tablet, the world of digital dating isn’t easy. There are a lot of options when it comes down to where you can meet potential matches. Sometimes one application or website might not be the best match for you. You may have to try out a few, and even then luck may run out, and that’s okay! Your future SO could just as easily be your next Tinder match, or the guy or gal sitting behind you in your BioChem lab. Whether you be a digital dater or not, there is no need to fret, the right person will come along when they’re met to. Until then, maybe take a chance, swipe left or swipe right, and see who you come across. 

Picture References

1,2,3,4,5

• love
• online
• uOttawa