The Stories
He’s taking me into the woods… again. Running away won’t do anything, he’s faster than me, and he’s stronger than me. God, there is so much malice in his eyes! Thoughts begin to swirl, ‘Will he hurt me?’ ‘Will he just yell?’ and then the only thought I have left is ‘I am going to die’. That was the day he covered both my nose and mouth, and lifted me up by the throat with his forearms, “Shut up if you ever want to breathe again!”. This is only a sliver of story about the dangerous relationship I, Channelle Labelle-Viens, was in. This is my first time speaking about it publicly, but I think it’s time to share my story and help many other women who are going through this right now, leave.
When I was in grade eleven I met the new kid in town. He was popular to say the least; he was one of the captains on the football team, girls thought he was cute, and he had the bad boy vibe. It was no surprise that I got excited when he took an interest in me and within a few weeks we were dating.
This is usually the part of the story where people say they fell in love or things were going great, but not for me. Literally two days after we began dating he set off a red flag: “Um… Channelle, why are you flirting with [my friend]?” This totally caught me off guard to the point where I actually started laughing. He couldn’t be serious, all I said to his friend was that he was ‘silly’. But he was very serious. As the school days went by, I began collecting a heap of rules that he had given me:
1. Don’t EVER wear a dress out in public, this includes skirts and shorts. Only baggy sweats, a sweater, with your hair tied up is acceptable.
2. Don’t listen to the same music I like.
3. During lunch time you have to sit in the library, don’t talk to anyone.
4. Sleepovers? Unacceptable.
5. You have to have a locker from upstairs where the area is less crowded. Don’t ever go into the athlete’s hallway, you don’t want the guys looking at your ass.
I could easily tell you more, but this is an article not a textbook. Many, many young women are or have been in an abusive relationship. You might not even know, but some of the people you love and care for may have been in one themselves but have been or are too scared to let anybody know. I interviewed two females, whom I know, who have been in a dangerous relationship. Here are their stories:
“My ex-boyfriend from grade 9 was very possessive. He would tell me what to wear, tell me what to do, didn’t want me wearing make-up, etc. One instance that I remember was when I went on a school trip; that was the weekend we broke up. To start off, he got mad at me because I was wearing a dress with a thong and he didn’t want anyone seeing my butt if I tripped or fell over. After that, he got mad at me because I spent money on myself as opposed to spending all of it on him. After he had ruined my weekend, I decided it was time to end it. Unfortunately, because he suffered from depression, I was terrified he was going to harm himself or me.” – Sharon, 19
“This was probably the best/worst relationship of my past. He made me so happy all the time, but like people always say… ‘love is blind’. He was an interesting person; he managed to control everything I did in such an innocent way that it literally took me a year to notice any of it. He did lots of things… he controlled what I ate, (he was a chef and was very cocky), he would get mad at me and make me feel like crap if I had anything that wasn’t part of our “diet”… but that was nothing compared to the self-esteem he took away from me. I stopped doing a lot of things that were important in my life; I stopped hanging out with friends and family, I stopped singing, I stopped having fun. He took a lot of passion out of my life. He broke up with me after I gave him the expensive presents he chose for various occasions that month. It didn’t end nicely… There was lots of name calling, put downs and a couple threats. He told me I wouldn’t become anything in life.” – Nicole, 20
The Signs
Many abusive relationships have similar factors. You may not realize them yourself, but from the outside, it looks toxic. Here are the signs that you are in a toxic relationship:
– You have a dress code according to him (or her)
– They get angry every time you even think about talking to your friends
– Family is no longer your priority
– You never get to do the things you enjoy anymore
– Smiling has become a chore
– You get scared every time they come around the corner
– Your family and friends have become concerned for your wellbeing
– You make excuses, ‘I was talking too loud’ ‘It’s my fault’
– You are not “allowed” to join clubs or go out and have fun
– You go to class less often because they get too jealous
– You cannot talk to the opposite gender whatsoever
– You always think of telling someone but never do
– They put you in danger
– They hit, punch, grab, or pull you
– They always yell, scream, and curse at you
None of these are okay, nor will they ever be okay. If any of these things are happening to you, consider leaving.
How to Leave
I know what you’re thinking, I’ve been through it. ‘What if they don’t believe me?’ ‘What if he hurts me or my friends and family?’ ‘I’m scared’. I’m not going to tell you to not be scared because it is a scary situation, but I’ll tell you this: people will protect you!
The first thing you should do is gather your thoughts, write them down, and collect the evidence. Make sure that you are obviously alone and safe. Following this you should talk to someone you trust completely. This could be your friend, your mom or dad, or even a teacher that you trust (I told my teacher). From here, you will decide whether or not to call the police. If you are scared and believe he will do you harm, call the police. NOTE: bring your evidence and make sure the police take it, this could be pictures or videos if you took any, public surveillance, text messages, Facebook, Twitter, and/or e-mail messages, everything. Every situation is different, but you will be safe with the ones you love.
The final thing you need to remember is how happy you will be when you are free from chains. Never let things get worse. Your health is the most important thing to you. Leaving my ex-boyfriend was the best thing I ever did. I am healthy and happy, not to mention I now have the most beautiful boyfriend who treats me kindly all the time no matter what! Find someone who will stand by your side when you need them, and will care for you. If your boyfriend truly loves you, he wouldn’t hurt you; physically, mentally or emotionally.
If you or someone you know wants to talk about domestic violence, call the National Domestic Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. Or visit www.familyservicesottawa.org to learn more about domestic violence and their support groups.
Photo credits: Buzznet, Asianweek, BrentSaylers, LifeAfterDatingAPsycho