Hey Holly,
My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half now. He is truly my best friend, and I love him very much. We really want to create a bigger bound in our relationship so we want to move in together this summer. I am really excited about it, because I believe it will be a great thing for us. However, I have my doubts, I don’t know if it’s a good idea! How do we get prepared for that? What do I have to consider to fully take this step in our relationship?
Thank you.
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Dear Anonymous,
Deciding to move in with a significant other is a tough decision to make, and I’m sure you’ve gone over all the possible outcomes in your head: if you choose not to move-in with your significant other but they are fully on board it can cause tension in your relationship, or possibly, if you decide to move in together and it doesn’t work out you’re stuck in a lease with an ex or with an apartment you can’t afford alone, and obviously, the best outcome being you both decide that you’d like to live together and it works out. The factors you have to look at when considering moving in with your significant other are like those that you would consider if a friend was going to become your roommate, but the pressure can feel much more intense because it’s your relationship on the line.
First off, have the two of you had major conflict and been able to resolve it amicably? An uncomfortable time to have your first major falling out would be when you live together since neither one of you will have a comfortable place to go to be alone.
Secondly, how much time do you spend together right now? If you’re basically living together already, i.e. you both have a toothbrush at each other’s house, or you both have small wardrobes at the other’s home, or you buy groceries and run errands together, then moving in together will feel much less drastic. If you’re living completely separate lives and see each other a couple times a week, or never really spend nights in a row together, then you can’t possibly know what to expect when that time together quadruples and is non-stop. After prolonged periods of time with the same person in a small space the likelihood of getting on one another’s nerves is very high and super common, not really anything to worry about, but is something to consider if you’ve yet to experience it in your relationship.
Third, the money situation is a huge component when considering moving in with a significant other. Do you both have the same budget? Will you buy separate groceries? Who’s name will the bills be under? These are important questions to consider because finances can be the cause of many fights, especially if one half of the relationship feels as if they’re spending more for the both of you.
Finally, do you trust your partner? More specifically, do you trust that they won’t make you uncomfortable in your shared space? I’m not talking about them leaving dirty dishes on the counter or toothpaste in the sink, because you’ll have to be prepared for someone who may live differently than you. What I’m referring to is if you have problems with their friends, for example, because you’ve never considered having those people in your personal space and when they are, you may not feel comfortable. The real problem is the argument that it’s just as much your partner’s space as it is yours so they should feel free to have visitors, but not at the cost of your comfort. It’s necessary for you both to consider every situation, and sit down together to talk about things that you may not know would make the other uncomfortable. The last thing you want to do is hate where you live and resent your partner for it.
If you love who you’re with, you’re going to learn to deal with their ways, and if your partner respects you they won’t put you in any situation that will make you uncomfortable. Living together can be a lot to take on, especially in young relationships because we tend to still be a little selfish. That being said, moving in with your partner can bring you that much closer and create an even more impenetrable bond between the two of you.
I hope this helps, and good luck!
Holly
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