I am 100% positive that I am not the only one who feels the struggle to find a significant other. It seems like all the good lads and lasses are taken, and when you do finally find a single potential bae, the love is unrequited. Been there, done that and have amassed a large collection of t-shirts. Because this occurrence is so widespread I feel it is our job, nay- our duty to help out our fellow single brothers and sisters. Throw away your previous ideas concerning the competitive nature of “the hunt” and follow the tips below so that you can lend a helping hand to your fellow singles-and-ready-to mingles.
Tip One: Do Not Look Better than Your Friend
When introducing a friend to a potential significant other do not try to upstage them by wearing the completely leather Cat Woman suit or your fluorescent orange sweater. Yes, yes your mother told you to present your best self at all times, but you can make an exception. Wear something understated and forgettable to keep all of the attention on your friend. Anything with a potato sack like resemblance or a large baggy sweater is perfectly acceptable.
This is the ideal ratio, and realize that this is completely acceptable for this particular event.
Try blending in with your surroundings, as not to draw attention to yourself. Meeting at the park? Try a head to toe green ensemble, or throw on your best camouflage from 2010. Meeting in a club? Throw on your all black everything and blend in with the dark and misty atmosphere (and no, no one really knows exactly why or the identity of the actual substance that makes the atmosphere so, quote-unquote, dense).
The more conservative the better, Amish style peasant skirts for days, bring back the turtlenecks! Remember this is not about your appearance, this is about highlighting how beautiful your friend is.
Tip Two: Talk Up Your Friend
Such as in an online dating profile, don’t be afraid to really stress their talents and hobbies with a little bit of embellishments here and there. If they’ve hiked Mount Kilimanjaro, can cook without starting a four alarm fire or run 20km in 15 minutes, these are all points you want to emphasize. Include their different personality quirks, as well; like their strong opinions, ability to adapt to any situation, quick witted mind that may or may not make you crazy and their uncanny ability to apply She’s the Man quotes to every situation. These are all strong points to highlight that will make them look even more attractive. Do not mention that they snort when they laugh or that their voice goes up about 4 octaves when they are irritated. Leave these “special attributes” for the other person to uncover. You are just the salesman; make the product look shiny.
Tip Three: Know When to Leave
Congratulations, you’ve accomplished your goal, and your friend has hit it off with someone. Now you need to remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible. The encounter will quickly become awkward if you stay around longer than necessary, so make an excuse to leave- any excuse. Get creative here collegiettes. It doesn’t matter if you “forgot to hand in an assignment” that’s due right then at that very moment, or “I hear my mom calling me” even though your house is no less than 300km away, or “I may have left the oven on” even though you haven’t actually cooked since your Easy Bake Oven days circa 2005. Leaving your friend and their future bae to get acquainted will allow them to get to know each other more without having to try and include a third person in the conversation.
So now you’ve left and you have the satisfied feeling of fulfilling your good deed for the day. Your friend has a potential significant other and it’s all because of you. But then you realize nothing has changed in your own romantic situation.
Thankfully- even though you might be single- no person is an island, so rest assured that the next time you spot an attractive something or other roaming the street, your friends will pay you back in kind. And thus the cycle continues. If for any reason, this doesn’t work, I suggest investing in a quality body pillow, a Netflix account and a cat.
While there is no shame in making this trifecta your squad, there is no harm in trying these tips a few times just to be sure, before you whip out the onsie. Good luck collegiettes and I hope your t-shirt collection never becomes as large as mine.