What Being Single for Four Years Taught Me

The abyss that is high school can be a pressure cooker, full of false information, judgement, and expectations from yourself and others. After ending my relationship with my very first boyfriend at 15, I felt empowered. I knew, even then, that I did not want to settle for any man, and thus began four years of self growth, discovery, and love. I believe that being single, at any point, but especially during adolescence and early adulthood, is a precious gift, full of lessons. Here are the ways I changed.  

I became more passionate

Nursing my broken heart, I poured myself into music, even more. I pushed myself, and put myself in the path of rejection time after time; then built myself up again when I inevitably failed. This instilled in me a work ethic, which I am extremely proud of to this day, and which I credit with giving me the skill and passion to be where I am today; a music student at the best university in Canada, doing what I love, every single day. Working hard was rewarding, and I grew closer to my goals, just as new ones were being formed. Music will keep me reaching and blooming for the rest of my life. 

I got real about what I wanted (and deserved)

With my experience, I quickly realized that I wasn’t interested in casual dating. I wanted to share all of who I was, with someone who would see all of it, and love me anyway. That’s a lot to ask. I always told my people, “I want to be with someone who is a better person than I am.” Someone moral, who stands up for what’s right. Someone who knows who they are, and acts accordingly. Of course, a human, who makes human mistakes, and can’t always make the “right” choice. But one who tries. Someone as ambitious as I am, but daring enough to shut me down when I need to stop and take a break. A partner. Your partner is probably going to be the person you spend the most time with; I see my boyfriend far more often than I see my family. Ask yourself, what kind of person do I want to be around all the time? Your environment influences you in a massive way. Be with someone who will support the woman you are growing to become.

I became a better friend

At 15, in my mind, I was essentially a baby. It felt cool to have someone to kiss, and I liked to talk about my boyfriend. A lot. I found it weighing heavily on my friendships, as I lacked the experience to find balance in all the relationships in my life. 

Becoming single gave me my identity back overnight. Instead of being “X’s girlfriend”, I got to find out who Olivia was. It was the Olivia that my friends had known all along, coming into her own, with a sudden surplus of space for platonic love. I poured my passionate, caring heart into my friends, and we had a blast together. I was able to be their first phone call when they needed something, and I was comfortable asking the same of them. Later, when my friends eventually had their own hearts broken for the first time, I could sympathize. I knew what I felt, and knew how to be there for them, supporting them as they healed. When they were ready to get back into dating, I preached to them about how amazing they were, and told them right away if their date was “not up to standard”. 

I learned how to be there for myself

When you’re in a long-term relationship, it can be tempting to use your partner as a dumping site. That is, to unload anything and everything that’s weighing on you, on them, in a way that is (hopefully) not malicious, but which can be very destructive nonetheless. The years that I was single, from 15-19, were formative years. They were the years that I grew into myself, a young adult. I figured out a blurry idea of what I wanted out of my life; goals that I still chase now. Doing so without a boyfriend enabled me to find the space for compassion and understanding, within myself. I learned about my boundaries, and how I can cope in a healthy way when things aren’t going well. These are lessons that I continue to learn, but I find myself, at 20, with a lot of emotional maturity and independence. 

I got closer with my mom

My ultimate partner in crime? My mom. If you are fortunate enough to have a parent like my mom, I hope you know it. My mother loves me unconditionally. She is hilarious, smart, and hardworking. 

After becoming single, I was in a vulnerable place, and she was there for me. The bond that we created back in high school has translated beautifully into my adult life, and she is such a huge part of my support system. We hang out whenever we get the chance, and we confide in each other. We are a safe space for the other, for whatever we need. As my mom and I no longer live together, there is some distance, but the relationship is strong, and I am so grateful for it. She shared advice with me, I told her about my awful dating app experiences, we belly laughed. 

I became my #1 priority

Me, me, me! I, I, I!

The time to be selfish is when you’re young. I stand by that fiercely. Obviously, treating yourself as a priority is an essential, lifelong commitment, but think about it; if you want to get married and have a family one day, you will never have the amount of time and energy that you have now, to spend on yourself. So use it! 

Especially as I transitioned into living on my own in university, my schedule was solely dictated by how I wanted to spend my time. What did I want for dinner? Which movie did I want to watch on Netflix? How did I want to spend my weekend? Did I want to cancel those plans and stay in bed instead? I had no obligations to another person, and found out, truthfully, the things that I enjoy, and the things that I don’t. Being in a relationship now, I can articulate my feelings, and advocate for myself in a healthy and open way. 

I realized that no one cared that I was alone

Want to know a secret? No one is thinking about you as much as you think they are. This includes interest in your romantic and sexual life, which unless people are personally interested in you, they probably aren’t worrying about. I know you know this, but sometimes, it’s a nice reminder anyway; you are free to live your life in peace, without eyes watching your every move. So, eat alone. Take yourself on dates. Find comfort in the solidarity; it’s really empowering! There is nothing embarrassing about spending time with yourself, and, in fact, being okay with being alone is an essential part of functional adulthood. All of us will be alone at some point. It’s inevitable. So, you might as well train yourself to thrive on your own! No one will be able to take a genuine enjoyment of your own company away from you. It’s yours to live. 

• relationships
• self-love
• single