Is there anything more romantic than long distance? Maybe you’ve never thought about it before, or maybe you always believed you would cross oceans for the right person. Regardless of how you got here, you’ve fallen in love (harder than you ever thought possible) and are now considering starting a long-distance relationship.
Whether you’re moving away for work or unfair circumstances are ripping apart your love story, it’s natural to want to fight for our partners. We would be crazy to give up on a good thing, right? But there are thousands of factors to consider besides your deep, unending love for your significant other, the conviction that they make you a better person, and the horrible idea of turning your back on them. In fact, in the face of love, all other reasons seem unimportant. But oh, honey, they are crucial. Take it from someone who’s done it: here are five reasons to turn down a long-distance relationship and save yourself in the process.
- Long distance relationships are not real relationships.
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Tough pill to swallow, coming right up! Long distance relationships (LDRs) often fail because an LDR can’t compare to the realities of living near someone, and it’s not for the reasons you think. It’s not because your feelings aren’t real. It’s not because the connection isn’t genuine, or for any other insulting reason people tell you. After all, of course your feelings are real, or else you wouldn’t be going through all the effort and work of an LDR — Come on, would I be taking my midterms early so I could catch a flight to see someone didn’t really like?
Long distance relationships aren’t real because they don’t allow you to understand a person fully. The feelings are real, but the relationship isn’t. In fact, the relationship doesn’t really exist. LDRs are all deep love, long nightly chats, pining, longing, wishing, heartache, and wanting to throw yourself into the Atlantic Ocean and swim back to them. That kind of longing isn’t real. People don’t pine that much in a real relationship, because LDRs are the hope of a relationship, not a relationship itself. Which leads me to…
- Long distance relationships can cause unhealthy idealization.
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When you’re never around your partner, they are a perfect angel. When I met my former partner, I already knew he was amazing. Kind? Check. Smart? Check. Cute, funny, British, blond? Check, check, check, check. The realities of an LDR turned a regular catch into the best guy on earth. It turned this human person, with flaws and insecurities like everyone else, into someone I couldn’t live without. And that is so, so unhealthy.
As we put our best faces forward on video chat every night, he became even more flawless and wonderful in my eyes. I saw only the best parts of him, and even the times when he expressed his loneliness (hello, red flag!) sounded like an affirmation of how much I meant to him. When it inevitably came crumbling down, I felt utterly and completely crushed; rejected by someone so perfect that it must have meant something about me. How harmful is that? I’m still recovering from idealizing my long-distance partner. I couldn’t even realize the damage of this mindset until he was gone for good, and I was left picking up the pieces. - Long distance relationships are expensive.
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Holy cow, they are expensive. If you don’t have excess cash that you’re ready to burn on airline tickets halfway around the world (or even back to your hometown every other month), then you need to run the other way. In a normal relationship, you can budget between friends and your partner, spending a reasonable amount doing fun things with both of them. In an LDR, you’re budgeting hundreds of dollars on your partner, and either turning down invites with friends to save cash or spending all your extra time with your girls anyway, spending even more. In the name of love, you hardly notice, but after the visit is over, and you’re drying your tears on the hoodie that he left you to replace his presence, you’ll check your bank account and feel like you got hit by a truck. Not fun. It may seem cold or callous to bring up money like this, but you don’t need this level of emotional and financial stress in your (very young) life. Don’t we have rent and loans to think about?
- Long distance relationships are agonizing.
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Being deeply in love with someone who has no chance of being with you is agonizing. Your phone turns from a tool to a torture device. You think about them constantly and wish away your days with countdowns until you can see them. I was especially guilty of that. I used to think: “I don’t take my partner for granted, like other people in close-distance relationships do! I truly value their company.” But what I didn’t realize is that a little bit of “taking for granted” is healthy. It keeps your life balanced. It keeps you sane.
LDRs are fun while you believe that you’re focusing on your education and your growth, with the benefit of getting to know someone. But after a while, the distance that you thought helped retain your independence actually robs it. You start to realize that you’re thinking about them even more and more obsessively than you would if they lived down the block. At first, I felt positive about being in a LDR, but even I eventually realized the pain accumulated. Add this daily heartache to the soul-crushing agony of the breakup and you have a recipe for constant pain, start to finish. You do not deserve that! - Long distance relationships keep you from being present in your life.
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This was hard for me to realize. I convinced myself that my LDR was an asset that kept me emotionally fulfilled while I retained the independence that I worked hard for over almost four years of singledom. What truly happened is that I spent even a little part of every day wishing I was somewhere else. When I was at college, I wished I was back in the UK. When I went back home, I wished I was (you guessed it!) where he was.
I wasn’t truly content with my life, because something was always missing. Things I used to enjoy solo, like going to the movies or hiking down to the beach, became activities I wished with all my heart that he could enjoy with me. I didn’t notice how much this feeling was eating me until we broke up. Now I know that it’s far better and healthier to have a balanced relationship where I love my partner, but don’t believe that he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. After all, I’m pretty sure all the “best things that have ever happened to me” are the things I have hustled for and achieved myself.
And if none of this convinces you and you still really, really want to give it a try…
Do it! If you feel like you will truly regret saying no to long distance, go ahead and give it the old Her Campus try. After all, that’s how I was! I can’t say that if I read this post a year ago, I wouldn’t have said yes to trying long distance. I fell so deeply in love that giving it a shot was the only option for me at the time. It may be something that everyone has to try for themselves, at least once, to know how it works for them. Every relationship, even — and perhaps especially — failed ones, gifts us with important lessons, even if it takes months or years to feel grateful for them. And as eye-rolling as that trite “life lessons” speech sounds, it’s truly the only way to look at a painful experience with a positive light.
There’s so much more that I know about myself and my boundaries, my worth and my agency, and that’s inherently valuable, regardless of the outcome. Whether I could have discovered those truths in another, less emotionally dramatic way…who can say? When all is said and done, I’m happy to say that permanent long distance is something I will never do again. From the financial to the emotional costs, the huge highs and obliterating lows, long distance love came at too high a price for me to ever want this kind of relationship again. Before, I would have been afraid to draw that line, wondering if that would have kept me from some amazing connection. Now I’m no longer afraid to set a boundary that is best for my well-being, and that’s growth I can be proud of.