Trigger Warning: Suicide, suicidal thoughts, self harm
Have you ever loved someone so much you didn’t care what was happening to yourself? You just had to be with them. If they looked at you, your heart stopped. If you felt their breath on your skin, you ached. Have you ever craved anyone so much you didn’t exist anymore? As the saying goes, sometimes home isn’t four walls, it’s two eyes and a heartbeat, and trying to forget that certain person can be like trying to forget your first house. You lived there so long that you know everything about it by heart. And, sure, you’ve moved on and found your dream home, but no matter what, you’ll always remember the address.
He was my first home.
People claim that the love they in movies such as “Dear John” or “The Notebook” doesn’t exist.
It does.
The problem is, in our generation, people get into relationships just for the sake of it or for superficial reasons instead of holding out for that once-in-a-lifetime, fairy-tale type of love. I think most of us are skeptical that it even exists or maybe to a certain extent, are afraid of finding it.
If you’re lucky enough to come across this type of love, then you understand that it changes everything. It changes all your skepticisms and doubts, and it ignites your passions and takes away your fears. It makes you wonder how you didn’t cross paths sooner and how you didn’t even know that this kind of happiness was possible. It’s not about the dates, gifts, or anything superficial. It’s about seeing that person for exactly who they are, and finding exactly who you’ve been looking for since you were little.
First they’ll make your heart skip beats and then they’ll make your insides ache until you forget the difference between love and hate. And you won’t understand what you did to deserve something so painful when you did everything in your power to show appreciation for what you had. I remember looking up at God everyday and saying “I don’t know what I did to deserve someone like this in my life, but I would go through every hardship I’ve been through a million times if it meant having someone like him.” I don’t think I’ll ever understand why the universe brings two people together, just to tear them apart.
I question how the people we love and admire can put us through hell and we are capable of calling it love. I cannot comprehend how those responsible for breaking a person’s heart can have no remorse for what they’ve done, and we can still be in love with them despite it. All we can hope for is for them to tell us were not as forgettable as their silence is making us feel. But three months later, I’m still crying myself to sleep and you still haven’t spoken a word to me.
I didn’t believe in love at first sight or soulmates until he gave me a reason to; until he spent every single day of our relationship breaking down any barrier I had because he made me feel more secure in myself and in our relationship than I’ve ever felt with anything or anyone else.
Who could imagine that a perfect relationship with everything you’ve wanted in your ideal partner could exist?! Someone who you didn’t argue with, who had no red flags, who was capable of doing things like no other, like memorizing your tickle spots, or leaving trails of his footsteps on your heart when he pulled back from kissing you just to tell you that you’re beautiful.
Girls often glorify the idea of having a boyfriend as a best friend but no one talks about how much it can destroy you when you lose two people in one. In the movies, the guy always comes back. Why wasn’t I worth fighting for? Why did he never come back?
Don’t let anybody tell you that your emotions aren’t valid. Don’t let anyone brush off your heartbreak as something insignificant. In my personal experience, despite growing up without a mother and facing the hardships that not many people can understand, this person made me the happiest I’ve ever been, but was also the reason I was in the hospital wanting to end my life once they left.
I didn’t ask for much from him, I just wanted an explanation and closure which he couldn’t find the compassion to give.
The problem is, he fell in love with my flowers and not my roots, so when autumn came he didn’t know what to do. It’s easy to say you’re over someone when you don’t see them in person. The challenge is to look them in the eye, see their smile, hear their voice, and still be able to say “this is not what I want anymore”.
I’ll never understand why I was given something so special only to have it taken away. I guess I have to believe that everything happens for a reason, and some good is going to come from this that I can’t see at the moment. I can try to understand, but I don’t know if I ever will.
So for now i’ll keep searching for answers in the faces, the places, and the laughter of others, hoping that I get a glimpse of him in every person I meet. I’ll keep searching for the answers lost in meaningless conversations, the fake smiles, and the people that will never live up to the expectations he set.
There is no “guide” on how to heal after losing someone so close to your heart. People are going to tell you to keep busy, but the truth is if you truly love someone they are going to be on your mind no matter how busy you are and no matter what distractions you force upon yourself. You’ll hear them in every song, you’ll see them in every person, and every place you went to together will be a haunted memory. Following your dreams, bettering yourself, focusing on school or work or hobbies is all great, but it doesn’t fix a much deeper rooted issue. I wish this article could give you the answers that you’re looking for, the answers that even I’m searching for, but they have to come from within yourself.
I used to miss the way he “loved” me, until I realized that his love had so much to do with the person I was. It was a reflection of everything I gave to him, coming back to me. How could I think for a second that I could never find love like that again, when it was me that taught him how to love in the first place. How cruel was I to myself giving him credit for my warmth simply because he had felt it, as if I was not already these things before I met him and as if I did not remain all these things once he left.
My smile is still going to glow; I’m still going to sing in the car; I’m still going to hustle through the good and the bad; I’m still going to be kind to everyone; I’m still going to turn heads everywhere I go — with or without him. I broke my heart trying to love him. I’ve lost some things, gained some things, but never lost my focus. If in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I will smile at him with joy. I will hope that his career is giving him the happiness that I wasn’t capable of giving.
Him not wanting me was the beginning of wanting myself. I loved him, but I had to learn to love myself more.