Yeast infections, baby. Yeah, we’re talking about ‘em. They can happen to anyone, at any time, not because of really anything in particular. It’s kind of like getting mauled by a bear. I’d actually rather get mauled by a bear by the third day of one of a YI. I had no idea what was happening to me the first time I had one–and why? Because we don’t talk about them, because *gasp* vagina stuff! While we can’t erase the stigma (although we wish we could), here are some thoughts you may have during a yeast infection.
Super happy, and excited about this day because I slept SO WELL last night!
…NOT.
I can’t even walk properly.
My legs seriously don’t even know how to walk right now.
Do I even need the bottom half of my body?
Give me a hacksaw. I don’t need anything beyond my belly button.
I SAID, GIVE ME A HACKSAW.
Oh my god.
They really mean it in the Monistat commercials, when they say “that itch you can’t scratch.”
This is impossible.
Except the girl in that commercial looks totally perfect, and stoked to have a yeast infection.
They should do a realistic commercial, and just strap a camera to an actual girl with a yeast infection.
Like ~me~
I may want to rip out my vagina but at least I’d be a *STAR*
Of course I’d be a star for something awful like a yeast infection. OF COURSE.
Am I certain a yeast infection is what I have? Maybe there’s actually an army of fire ants up there.
Pillaging and destroying my innards, lighting fires and shit.
Like Wildlings.
Except worse. Because DAMN this is super NOT okay.
Maybe if I stuck a knife up there, and just stabbed like I was starring in a super fucked up Quentin Tarantino movie.
That would hurt less.
Is this too weird of a subject line for emailing my professor? “Vagina Under Attack By Bread Ingredient: Can’t Come to Class.”
Sounds legit.
More accurately, “Vagina Under Attack By Bread Ingredient: Unable to Do Life Until Further Notice.”
I have to pee.
I don’t even want to pee.
No thanks.
Sounds painful as fuck.
Which would be worse: kidney and bladder disease or yeast infection?
Well I guess if I held it for too long, it’d be both…damn it.
Here we go…
Oh god oh god oh god
Okay so not SO bad.
But no relief.
Gahh….sitting in class… is… miserable…
I want to eat an entire loaf of bread just to spite this stupid infection.
I’LL SHOW YOU TOO MUCH YEAST, VAGINA FROM HELL.
This is ridiculous.
And this discharge is the grossest thing I’ve ever seen.
I literally can’t believe this is happening in my body right now.
I DID NOTHING WRONG.
Have people died from this shit?
Boys just don’t get it.