DISCLAIMER: Though the focus of this article is specific to the experience of individuals who identify as female, the author would like to note that all genders are reduced to their physical appearance. Sexism negatively affects male, female, transgender, and genderqueer individuals in unique ways. Though the focus here is on female-identifying individuals, keep in mind that all genders are affected by harmful stereotypes that are perpetuated by society.
“You’re too pretty to…” … the conclusions to this sentence are unending for young women. We have all heard it ourselves, thought it about another woman, or even worse, said it out loud. It is difficult to challenge our internal biases about what women should look like and act like, or what kind of degree or career they should pursue. As women, we have all experienced, in some fashion, “you’re too pretty to…” in various situations regarding what we wear, who we surround ourselves with, how we present ourselves to others. A woman described to me how at some point, it was decided that a woman’s looks determine how she should or shouldn’t act. She added, “We are constantly being told we are too pretty to do this or not pretty enough to do that.”
Now it is one thing to hear “you’re too pretty to…” from a stranger you met at a bar, but what about when we hear this from our friends, family, coworkers, partners, or worst of all, other women? The following are personal stories told by women about their experience being told “you’re too pretty to…”.
“You’re too pretty to act that way”.
Some women described being told they are too pretty to smoke or chew tobacco. I can admit that even I am guilty of thinking this one at least once. One powerful woman described it perfectly: “my body, my choice”, and that could not be truer. We all have our habits, good or bad, but they are our own.
Other women described being told they are too pretty to “talk like that”, referring to swearing or vulgar language. This one is particularly interesting to me, partly in fact because of the screaming gender bias. Out of curiosity, I googled, “men who cuss are…” and compared it to “women who cuss are…” and found quite the difference. According to google (reliable source, I know), men who cuss are “confident”, “more manly”, “hotter”, “less stressed”, and my favorite… “a turn on”. On the contrary, women who swear are “unladylike”, “unchaste”, “promiscuous”, “trashy” (ask Governor Mike Huckabee), and my least-favorite… “whores”. Seriously, I wish I were making this up. I cannot help but wonder where the idea “you’re too pretty to swear” came from, and what it has to do with sexual appearance or sexual freedom (for men and women alike)?
Speaking of sexual freedom, women are constantly told they are too pretty to “give themselves away”. I do not even feel the need to go into detail about this one, because if you have not noticed the discrepancy between how we view men and women as sexual beings (which harms both men and women!) you have more catching up to do than this article can offer.
Multiple women described being told they are too pretty for “a place like this” which could apply to a semi-trashy bar, a small town, or just about anywhere that pretty women apparently do not belong. Women shared being told that they are too pretty to stay out late and drink, dance alone, or be dancing so lewd. Because if you did not already know, in 2016 there are designated locations and behaviors for “pretty” and “not pretty” women. Unfortunately, there are some men (and women) who jump at the opportunity to be the bouncer making that decision. If you are not in a place that you do not belong, you are staying at home, which women are also too pretty to do.
One that really stuck out to me was women sharing how they had been told they are too pretty to be anxious, depressed, crying, or sad. Depression and sadness do not discriminate. “Pretty” women are not exempt from negative emotion, and to suggest so, de-humanizes them. While men suffer from this idea because they are supposed to be strong and dominant, women suffer because they are supposed to be un-flawed.
“You’re too pretty to look like that”.
A common theme among women was being told they are too pretty to have tattoos or piercings on their bodies or color their hair unnatural colors aka “you’re too pretty to do that to your body”. As if what we do to our bodies is anyone else’s business, but that is an article for a different day. This one screams women are supposed to be pure and untouched, but I will avoid getting too far into bible-shaming. A woman described having family members look at her pre-tattoo pictures and commenting on how beautiful she was before she what, destroyed her body with beautiful, creative, expressive artwork? Knowing her personally, I can attest to how her tattoos make her who she is, which is a lot more than “pretty”. One story that touched me was about a woman who had been told she is too pretty to have a hoop in her nose. Little did people know, she pierced her nose to cope with her social anxiety. She was able to tug on her nose ring as a reminder that people were not actually talking about her (the thought that triggered her anxiety).
Women shared being told they are too pretty to dress or do their makeup in a particular way. Interestingly, all women referenced drastically different types of appearance: showing too much skin or not showing enough, wearing too much makeup or not wearing enough, dress/makeup in dark colors or in bright colors, wearing clothes that are too tight or too lose. What would resolve this – to not wear anything at all? Unlikely, because then pretty women would be “asking for it”, right? A wonderful piece a woman shared referred to how she herself does not feel pretty unless she feels comfortable because she feels most “pretty” when staying true to herself, despite what others think she should wear. This is an important reminder for us all!
Relatedly, women shared being told they are “too pretty to let their body get away from them like that.” For some, that meant weight gain, and for others, weight loss. This is another example of a blurred line that women are expected to navigate in a society that demands perfection.
Finally, other women described being told they are too pretty not to be smiling or look so mad. This is an experience that just about every woman has had, walking in to work, in to a bar, out of a door, etc. A few women referenced their “resting bitch face (RBF)”, a phrase most of us have become quite accustomed to. However, it makes me think about the origin of the RBF and why it applies only to women. RBF literally refers to “a facial expression (or lack thereof) which unintentionally appears angry, annoyed, or irritated.” So what do you call this in a man? Resting dog face (in breeding circles, “bitch” is a female canine while “dog” is a male canine)? No, because though men are certainly judged for different aspects of their appearance, in our society men are not judged for their lack of expression because we recognize that is what it is, a lack of expression.
“You’re too pretty for that degree/job”.
As much as people like to say this one does not exist anymore, the stories shared by women challenge that belief. Women described being told they were too pretty to be in a certain class, field, or profession. This ranged from being told you are too pretty to be in a calculus class, get a PhD, be an engineer, etc. Society shames women for being intelligent, goal-oriented, and driven, and then we wonder why certain fields are male-dominated (e.g., science, math, technology, engineering). One woman shared how she is often told that she is too pretty to teach high school boys because they will “have a crush on her”. First female high school students should not wear certain clothes because male teachers will be distracted, now female high school teachers should not teach because they will distract male students? There is a common theme here… that responsibility always lies with the woman.
Another woman shared that though she was quite a talented guitarist, when she struggled on a piece her teacher once told her, “Oh you’re gorgeous, it’s not like anyone will be paying attention to the music anyway.” A similar yet markedly different story came from a woman who performs in military bands. She described being told that when she auditions she needs to be careful not to appear too “girly”. Meaning, the way she does her hair, clothes, and makeup can determine whether or not she will get the job, not her musical ability. As the guitarist pointed out, somehow the integrity of the music does not matter anymore because of the performers’ appearance?
Then there is the “you’re too pretty to work so hard” or “you’re too pretty to be a supervisor/boss”. Women described this in different contexts, but it inevitably came down to the fact that women are viewed as fragile and delicate, not powerful and capable of leadership. What about attractive men, you ask? Attractive men have been found to be more successful in the workforce… the double standard is deafening (not to mention this hurts men, too). Women are often seen as “bossy” and “bitchy” when giving instructions and directions, while men are instead seen as knowledgeable.
The ugly truth is that the line between too pretty and not pretty enough is blurred by society’s narrow view of the right way to “be a woman”. You’re either too pretty or not pretty enough, work too hard or not hard enough, too successful or not successful enough. How do we navigate this in schools and the workplace? Women are “counted out before they even start”, as one woman described.
“You’re too pretty to be single.”
This one needed a section of its own because of the number of times mentioned and the added level of ridiculousness. Remember ladies, you are only pretty and happy if claimed by a man (eye roll). Not to mention, no matter who you are with, you are either “too pretty for him” or “too pretty to be treated that way”. As one woman fabulously put, “as if” attractiveness is correlated with how well women should be treated or who our partners should be.
“You’re too ambitious, bold, empowered, remarkable, brilliant, breathtaking, powerful, captivating, extraordinary, fearless, irreplaceable, inspiring, and graceful to be defined by your appearance.”
In conclusion, my hope for you is that you act how you want, look how you want, and do what you want with your future. At the end of the day, it is you who gets up each morning, looks in the mirror, and decides the type of person you want to be.
I would like to personally thank all the amazing women that contributed to the writing of this article. By sharing your stories, you all took one step towards empowering women and breaking down gender stereotypes that reduce women to their appearance.