There’s nothing quite like being a downstairs neighbor.
You move into a new place or get new upstairs neighbors, and just like that, the noises begin. Thumping, beeping, barking, creaking, and other sounds you never knew existed suddenly boom through your thin apartment walls 24 hours a day.
As a disgruntled downstairs neighbor, there’s not a lot you can do to escape the noise. You can whack your ceiling with a broomstick, complain to your property manager, simply accept the loud disturbances, or, in extreme cases, just move out.
However, in a desperate attempt to cope with my new, disturbingly noisy upstairs neighbors, I’ve opted for another approach: trying to come up with theories to explain their various ear-splitting sounds.
Here are just some of the things my upstairs neighbors might be doing to make so much noise:
1. PRACTICING INDOOR SHOT PUT
Shot put, a track and field event in which someone throws a heavy ball as far as they can, is usually done outside. However, who needs the fresh air and open space when you can practice right at home?
At least that’s how my upstairs neighbors feel. As they hurl what sounds like a lead bouncy ball around their apartment all day, I hope they know I’m rooting for them to lose their security deposit.
2. TEACHING THEIR PUPPY TO BARK LOUDER
Typically, when you train a new puppy, you teach them to bark less and behave more. But where’s the fun in that?
Instead of a boring, well-trained pooch, my upstairs neighbors have instructed their dog to howl throughout the day — even unprovoked. In fact, the constant whining and barking have managed to reach impressive volume levels as of late.
3. USING FURNITURE AS EXERCISE EQUIPMENT
Let’s be honest — at-home workouts can get old. If you’ve exhausted every exercise video on YouTube, you might want to take up my upstairs neighbors’ approach.
Rather than going to the gym to use weightlifting equipment, they push their heaviest chairs, tables, and beds across the floor every hour. Who even needs a workout playlist when they can listen to the powerful rolling and squeaking sounds as they get their sweat on?
4. BREAKING IN THEIR SNOW BOOTS
It’s common knowledge that you have to wear new shoes a few times before they’re comfortable. For weeks now, my genius upstairs neighbors have seemingly been breaking in their snow boots for an upcoming ski trip.
If they’re trying to make their winter shoes cozier, the thunderous stomping back and forth should certainly do the trick. In fact, it appears they’re so dedicated to the cause that they’re almost never barefoot in their own apartment.
5. SPRINT TRAINING THEIR DOG
All canines need exercise. Normally, dog owners take their pets out for walks or runs once a day. However, my upstairs neighbors do it all from the comfort of their own home.
Even better, they’ve determined that a more effective way to keep their pooch active is through sprint training. Every morning, they have their puppy zoom back and forth across the hardwood floor. The plus side is that I never need to set an alarm.
These are just a handful of the theories about the never-ending, disruptive sounds emanating from my upstairs neighbors’ apartment. I have to say, coming up with these explanations has served as a nice distraction from the blaring noise.
Nonetheless, I’m not-so-patiently waiting for the day when my upstairs neighbors finally move out.