Since orientation week of my freshman year, I have endured multiple nights spent at frat houses, headbanging to current rap songs and choking down Costco margarita mixes. The thrill of attending a frat party has since died down and I have had ample time to reflect upon some elements to frat parties that I, and many other college women, dread.
#1: The number of sweaty people intruding upon your personal space
As a five feet tall girl, I often find myself getting bumped around as I try to follow my friends to the front of the crowd. By the time I make it there, I have about 10 different people’s DNA on me as their sweat has all seeped into my skin. I get it, dancing to Pure Water by Migos can get anyone excited but do you need to shake your head so much that your sweat splashes everywhere? To make matters worse, the problem of body odor has also turned me away from dancing with the crowd. Let me know why some college students still have yet to discover deodorant because it is truly a public health crisis. It’s gotten so bad that I would even allow Axe to be used just to mitigate the stench. AXE. The unwanted physical contact with sweaty human beings at frat parties has never failed to make me consider burning off my skin so catch me and the girls at the next Alpha Beta Omega event with bedazzled Hazmat suits.
#2: Someone spilling beer on you
The issue of personal space, or the lack thereof, also causes Woe #2: the inevitability of beer spilling on you. You got a cute outfit on, you’re dancing to Mo Bamba, then all of a sudden, you feel liquid dripping down your shoulders. Oh no! Thad has just clumsily danced until the beer in his hand spilled all over you. Your top is wet, you smell like a game of Die, and your mood has soured. The issue of someone spilling a drink on you is unavoidable though, as trying to balance a red solo cup while initiating erratic dance moves is tough, even for star athletes, and especially for college students trying to forget the academic L’s they took that week. There’s nothing else one can do when a drink has been spilled except grab your friends and head to the bathroom in hopes that your white crop top can be salvaged.
Speaking of going to the bathroom to check up on that beer spill, frat bathrooms may be one of the most disgusting places on Earth. I remember my first time I went to a frat bathroom and it’s a memory that has been seared into my brain. The throw up in the bathroom stall, the group of strangers comforting a crying girl, and the brother trying to pull trig on himself all wrapped up in a waft of pee makes for a great Surrealist painting. The dirty conditions that frat bathrooms are in during party nights are so foul that I truly have the sincerest sympathy for the pledges who have to clean it up the following day. My best advice to not find yourself in the dreaded frat bathroom is to hold it in until you get to Taco Bell where you can not only use their slightly cleaner bathrooms, but also get a Crunchwrap Supreme.
#4: Cheap alcohol that tastes no better than toilet water
Now I’m no expert on alcohol, in fact, I’m slightly allergic, but the cheap alcohol that frats serve to their guests have never failed to make me gag. The lineup usually includes the classic Costco margarita mix, lukewarm Bud Light, boxed wine, and a crowd-favorite, White Claws. Granted, White Claws aren’t terrible but the other options listed above? Yuck. One can’t complain too much though, as the frats are providing free alcohol and beggars can’t be choosers. As long as you go in with low expectations, the alcohol selection, although weak, will get the job done. Pro tip: plug your nose when you gulp.
#5: Weird Chads
Last but not least, some of the frat brothers themselves are what we college women dread when attending a frat party. Whether it be the brother who has constantly slid into your DMs or the one brother who gets too close up in your face, weird Chads are a constant at frat parties. The only way to deal with them is to stick close to your girls, avoid all eye contact, and fake an emergency if necessary.
As the fun of going to frat parties has worn off on me and the not-so-shiny parts of it have made themselves apparent, I no longer go out as often as younger me did. Despite all this, it’s still fun now and then to go out to frats with your girls, but on the nights that you don’t feel like facing these dreaded frat party woes, throw yourselves your own girls’ night and use your clean bathroom however many times you want.