Holiday season is right around the corner, which means it’s time for peppermint lattes, blasting “All I Want for Christmas is You,” and awkward-anxiety-inducing conversations with extended (or close) family. It seems like polarization intensifies throughout our public discourse every year, with each Thanksgiving a little more tense than the last. Around this time last year, Ariana Grande just put out “thank u, next,” the #MeToo movement was in full swing, and the 2018 midterm elections had Democrats in a frenzy. ~This~ year we have Trump’s impeachment inquiry, the 2020 elections, (and a whole ton more) to talk about. As a nation, we are in a historic moment — which means that your Uncle Larry is gonna have some (maybe uninformed, impolite, or downright offensive) things to say. You’re not looking forward to it. We get it. Instead of responding with “Ok, Boomer,” here are some real ways to have a productive conversation.
Situation 1: Uncle Larry just stated his opinion. You disagree with it.
Before jumping on him with facts, figures, and quotes from an article you read last week — Breathe. Ask yourself: what is the motivation here? If it’s to change Uncle Larry’s mind, or challenge his claim, then reacting with hostility is not going to help you. The best thing you can do, in this situation, is to try to understand where your Uncle Larry is coming from. It’s okay to listen, even if you totally disagree. Ask him, “Why do you think that?” or “That’s interesting. What makes you say that?” Keep asking questions until you get a real answer. If Uncle Larry’s claim is without logic or reason, then your questioning will actually allow him to figure that out himself. This is a great tactic that works for me quite often, as the fallacies of the claim become self-evident. Questioning with compassion will also allow for real discussion, rather than self-defense and arguments that go in circles. When you ask questions, you learn. And who knows, maybe Uncle Larry will follow your example and ask ~you~ questions the next time you say something ~he~ disagrees with.
Situation 2: Uncle Larry says something hurtful.
This is really hard. Debating differences in political ideology is okay. Debating the validity of your, or anybody’s, identity is not. If you are faced with bigotry or hateful words, the best thing you can do (for your health!) is to not engage. In an effort to protect your emotional and psychological well-being, excuse yourself and leave the room if you can. This doesn’t mean always be silent. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t protest systems of oppression. There will be plenty of times in your life where you will have the proper time and space to effectively participate in productive conversations around this. In the context of a family gathering, where children may be present, it is better to say something like “Can we have this conversation another time?” or simply change the subject. If your Uncle Larry says something you simply cannot let slide, pull him aside and ask if you can arrange a time to talk with him one-on-one.
You may want to argue. You may want to scream. (I’ve been there.) If you can, take a deep breath and say “I need to excuse myself” and leave. That is the safest, most productive thing you can do (it is also the ~hardest~ thing to do, but everyone will be better for it.) If a conversation ~must~ be held, wait to do it in privacy.
Situation 3: Uncle Larry won’t stop bombarding you with loaded questions
You’ve heard these before. “Why don’t you have a boyfriend yet?” “When are you gonna have kids?” “What are you planning to do with your life/career/relationship etc.?” For many women, Thanksgiving can be a time of intense questioning about stuff that is ~so~ nobodies business but yours. It can be downright embarrassing to have questions regarding marriage, kids, and other typical, “woman” stuff. If you can, save the sarcasm and just ride the interrogation out. Another tactic that ~truly~ works every time is to flip the conversation and start questioning your Uncle Larry about his life. People love talking about themselves. Good questions to ask are “So, Uncle Larry, what’s something you’re thankful for?” or “What’s your best Christmas memory?” or “What’s your opinion on Medicare for All?” (Just kidding, don’t ask that last one.)
Whatever you do, be compassionate. Trust your judgement. Try to see the other side, (even if it’s really hard!) and come from a place of kindness. My policy is this: curiosity, not animosity. Be curious about the root of your Uncle Larry’s ideology, rather than waging war against him for having a different opinion. (Again, that doesn’t mean you should tolerate any instances of bigotry). Be open-minded, respectful, and understanding. Try to learn something from all the madness.
And, if all else fails, just stuff your mouth with Turkey and cranberry sauce until your rage subsides. You got this.