I don’t know if you loved me or if you loved how I made you feel. And I hope that you don’t ever feel confused the way I do. The unknowing spiral in the back of my mind tries to convince me that I didn’t love without reason. Because love without reciprocation is just a waste of time.
But I don’t regret it. I don’t regret loving you. Even if I will never know how you truly felt about me. Even if you won’t remember our time together, I know that my feelings were true. And that’s all that matters. I think it’s difficult to love people, and sometimes even just things, hobbies. So despite our situation now, I will cherish the memories for a long time. Because when will I love like that again? When will I ever be able to exert my love language of gift-giving onto someone like I did? When will I ever cherish someone like I did with you?
I think it’s inevitable that someone will find love in me: platonically or romantically. But I don’t know if I can love as I did back then. Which seems selfish to say: like my ego is through the roof. It’s not that I don’t appreciate love; I recognize that my friends and family love and respect me. But if those who love me only love me so that I can love them, that isn’t love. That’s the need to seek connections.
Reciprocation is important in relationships, especially if you’re planning on being together for a long time. But in my youth, I want to remember that love is as young as I am. I want to love without reciprocation and allow myself to love people and things to my fullest potential. Love shouldn’t be only about reciprocity. Sometimes you need to consider and wonder if you even love them. I don’t want to be afraid to love because I’m afraid to get hurt. Because you can never love someone too much if they unconditionally and undoubtedly can’t get enough of you.