As a transfer student, I’ve recently experienced the trial-by-fire phenomenon, more commonly known as “Your First Midterms at Berkeley”; a week-long, quasi-hibernation where I hardly left my room, prepared nutritious food, or engaged in social activity beyond my wonderful club meetings. Naturally, at Berkeley, an experience like this is a communal one, and most people understood and empathized with my temporary status as a student hermit. However, I still struggled mentally with the amount of work that had to be done and wrestled with symptoms of imposter syndrome coming to a full head under the weight of all the stress I was under.
At a university famed and praised for its intense workload, it’s difficult not to feel like you’re drowning when you can’t handle classes, homework, extracurriculars, hobbies, a job, a social life, and making yourself decent meals all at the same time.
One of my classmates once told me that it’s impossible to do all the reading if you’re in four classes. The purist in me was dismayed. I love all my classes and try to do as much of the reading as I can, as I’m sure all my classmates do: bringing my books with me to the kitchen while I prepare dinner, or in the bath, while I attempt to relax, listening to the audio versions on my walks to campus or the grocery store. But, as I’m sure my peers will also empathize, all work and no play makes Jackie a very burned-out girl.
Mental health and wellbeing are oft-discussed concepts on Berkeley’s campus, and the school has a fantastic array of resources, from same-day therapy appointments to yoga classes and meditation rooms. However, all the resources in the world are useless without putting them into practice, and it can feel difficult to indulge in “mental health breaks” or other forms of “self-care” while sacrificing potential study time. At a school where every accomplished, intelligent, and competitive student is trying to get ahead, it’s not just about attempting to be the best – it’s about attempting to be as good as everyone else. If you can’t handle the 12 hour (and much longer) shifts in Moffitt Library, are you truly as good as everyone else?
When I was burnt out or stressed enough to step away from the desk, I found I didn’t really know what to do. Watching television or YouTube videos felt like a waste of my time. Even when I was interested in the topics, not being productive would continue to eat at me, which is a complex that I’m still working hard to undo. Reading books fatigued me as I’d already read so many novels and articles for my classes. Crochet needles, bakeware, and watercolor sets cost money, and I wasn’t starting my work-study job until the following month. The only true antidote to the mental exhaustion was actual sleep, which is ever-elusive to the Golden bear. Let’s not even get into the burgeoning melatonin dependency of it all.
So, what can we do? How can we take care of ourselves? I’ve found that being continuously harsh on my brain isn’t a sustainable model for either my mental health or my academic career. If I make the next two years (or more if I go to grad school) of my life punishing, it far lessens my potential motivation to complete college. It seems ridiculous to retrain my brain by pushing through Gilmore Girls episode after episode without checking my academic email, browsing LinkedIn, or making to-do lists in my calendar. However, it’s a habit I have to practice to drive a hard boundary between my working and resting times.
What’s true rest and relaxation? I’m still trying to find out. Even making a nourishing meal isn’t without its stresses; I’m still getting used to the electronic appliances in my kitchen. But, for now, I’m starting small and ignoring the voice in my head that fuels imposter syndrome and misery.
No, scrolling through Instagram isn’t going to help me study or boost my career, but it’s fun! Does making a cup of tea without watching a supplementary video analyzing one of my readings make it a waste of time? No, I still needed it to boost morale and help fend off that cold. Does missing a few pages of reading mean I’m not as passionate or dedicated as the next student? No, but I’ll still try to do as much as I can, and more importantly, learn as much as I can from them. It’s an ongoing struggle but one I know I have to solve. Once I do, I’ll let you know how it goes.