I just landed at the Portland International Airport, I look out the windows and see the familiar trees of home. I greet my parents, get into the car and we begin the twenty-minute drive to my house. Everything looks the same, just as I left it, yet I don’t feel the same.Â
Every time I return home after being away at college I always expect to feel the same, yet I never quite do. The version of me that once lived there, I have since grown out of. However, that version of me is always inside, just now, expanded. College forces you to create a life not tied to your parents, siblings, or friends. It teaches you to be independent and outgoing, making your own name. However, every time I return home I always have this feeling of wanting to return to that old version of myself.
Every time I go home I do the same things as before, hang out with the same friends, visit Everyday Records, get an iced chai from Black Rock, and see my family. I stay in my childhood room, the same one that has been with me since I was first brought into this world. It is kept the same as the last time I was in it; my senior year of high school, reminiscent of the person I once was. It is almost as if the room is frozen in time with my dance bag ready to go, and my books waiting to be finished, yet I can never return. It’s easy to fall into the same routine as before, especially when at home for long periods. When I’ve gone home for the summer I can almost slip back in, but somehow I feel like an imposter. There’s a part of me that gets lost in the in-between. Which version of Ellie is the real Ellie? My life at home has a rich attachment, it’s who I thought I’d always be, but my college self is almost this free version that allows me to take risks and chances I never would have before. So where does my true self abide?
I often say to my mom when I’m getting ready to go back to school, that it feels like I’m living two different lives. Every once in a while the two will collide when my mom or friends from home visit me, but they never truly coexist. It’s interesting to feel there are two versions of you, attempting to figure out which one is true. If I’m being honest, I don’t know where the true version lies, maybe somewhere in between.Â
All I know for certain is that I truly appreciate the two lives and everything and everyone involved in each. Maybe it’s lucky to be able to have two worlds. To have people, places, and things in each that you love dearly. Perhaps that’s what growing up truly is; collecting more lives as we go until we have one whole world. If you ever feel lost between your worlds just know you’re not alone for everyone is floating between each, trying to figure out which one feels right. But for now, I get off that plane, look around me, and am glad I’ve been able to exist in this beautiful place I call home.