“At some point, I was thinking that
money is nothing and happiness
is what matters, and then I woke up.”
Water was moving down on the edge of the bath. Surrounded by thick steam, a girl was sitting in the water, hiding from the real world that was behind the window and dreaming. Water splash – and her thin legs merged into each other, transforming into azure, scaly mermaid tale. The steam became thicker, and then purple whales and a giant pink elephant flew above her head. The noise around transformed into the siren songs that lured her to join the dream, leaving any troubles behind. Knock on the door and a grouchy voice of her mom ruined the magic of the bathroom, scaring any dream away and leaving behind the average girl in the average bathroom, “You need to hurry up. Tomorrow is school.” Winced, the girl started to climb out of the massive, white bathtub.
“Who is she?” you might ask if you are a curious reader. “It is me,” I would say, hardly remembering that girl who dreamed marvelous dreams in the bathroom and wondering what happened to her. Now, solving homework problems, stressing out about getting into the best university and thinking about where to obtain enough gold for that occupy the majority of my life. Realism replaced dreams; materialism became the synonym of my happiness, and the phrase “play safe, you’ll be safe” became the quote of my life. There is nothing left from the bright wonder of a little girl who some time ago wished to conquer Hollywood with her artistic skills and become the most famous published writer in the world. Taking risks is dangerous. Dreaming less is better. This is the lesson that I have learned very well during my life. “Who taught me that?” you may ask, and I would applaud for your persistence and the fact that you are still reading it. That is actually an interesting question. Let’s see…
The first teacher was the noise, but not the noise of the water, happily breaking out from the metal tubes to see the world around. That was the noise of disputes of adults over the object that as a kid I had never paid attention to, money. Angry words of my parents were flying above, bombing the opponents with the loud executions and hardly slapping the listeners. The main message of those fights was not having enough money. I do not remember how those debates had been started or what fed them, but I remember the terrified girl covering her ears and closing her eyes to hide tears, initiated by the idea that people never live “happily ever after.” Happiness does not exist in the way that fairytales present it to children. Disney is a fat, big liar, trying to sell something that has never existed in the world. It propagandizes that meeting the right person will make us happy, but do we actually need it? In the girl’s reality at that time, the idea formed that the only object that stops individuals from disputes is money. If you have money, then you will not have any problems because there will be no disputes. In an ideal world, happiness is essential, but in our world money is needed to reach that happiness because there are conflicts without it. That is how the little child has grown into a businesswoman.
However, still being a child, she believed that she did not obtain enough knowledge to approach her dreams, so she seeked the advice of adults around her. One of those people was her grandmother who exaggerated the importance of a college diploma. In order to receive money, the young entrepreneur started to process the ideas about how to catch the elf with the knapsack filled with diamonds or how to steal loot from the sky pirates. Thinking about that again and again, the little and yet not discovered genius decided that she should observe what others do to reach their dreams. Being patient, the child has found a straightforward answer in one of the multiple and betweentimes conversations that she has had with her grandmother. The solution was to get an education. “Without a college diploma, you are nothing,” with enviable and unnecessary constancy, her grandmother has told her. In those discussions, grades have been emphasized the most, and the achievements of others have been evaluated by easy scale: A, B, C, D, F. Even for a small child, her grandmother’s and adults’ logic was easy: anything, but A was a fail. Fearing failure, the girl started to sit behind a desk with a textbook, looking through the lists of different formulas and memorizing them. The desire to As everything became a priority in all her decisions, making her more nervous about upcoming exams. The silly girl did not know that continuing to follow this path, at the age of 19, she will end up experiencing depression and suicidal thoughts in fear of getting a B instead of an A. Poor little soul will look at the mirrors, wondering, if her grandmother was right that she is not smart or persistent enough. She will think and calm herself down, repeating, “I do it to get an education. Without it, I am nothing.”
With this “optimistic thought,” the girl has lived for a long time, going to school and going back home to do homework, just as her grandfather, grandmother, and father did. By not caring about the pleasure of life, she was studying regardless of her emotions because to her the only goal, was to acquire an education, and, eventually, money. She did not see any other interesting ways to get it, but to stick to the way that has worked and confirmed throughout the years by other people, and especially her relatives. The only difference between her and them was that they loved what they have been achieving, and she did not. Writing and acting would not give her a strong financial support, unlike science or programming, so the girl had to choose another profession that would give her money. Due to the knowledge about her relatives’ experience, she knew that the safest way to survive in society and receive what she wants was to stick to routines and rules that are established. Those rules were to finish school, graduate from university, obtain a desirable job in the company and work hard. As a result, her dreams about something else have faded away, leaving just a few memories. Without those dreams, the girl lost the ability to see the wonderful creatures from her childhood. The whales and the pink elephant sadly left to the house for another diminutive child to enjoy, rarely looking behind, hoping that the girl would change her mind and stay with them. Their hopes were in vain.
Time passed. The girl started studying in college, facing the problems that have appeared because of the decisions that she has made. Anxiety and depression replaced positive thoughts. Each test, she would think through all of the consequences if she failed, and a cold sweat would not let her focus on the exam. Even though the girl knew that education should have given her everything that she wanted, for now, she has received only negative emotions; joy was not one of them. Tiredness and aspiration to leave the school as fast as possible replaced her secret desire to become the hero of her dreams who occasionally appeared in her mind and conquered the jungles of a mysterious island in another universe. Regardless of understanding that money and education is important, she felt that her heart did not lay there. She wanted to stop caring so much about money, stop sticking to the rules and start taking risks. The thought about finding a fascinating profession and pursuing it, instead of teasing herself with math problems and trying hard to squeeze an additional physics’ law in her seemingly petite head, has become stronger over time. The girl wanted to steer clear of an obsessive idea to make money, but she has never had the courage to do so. Instead, she started to disappear, becoming one of the million gray, faceless characters proudly called “individuals” by society.
With the gigantic tears in my eyes, I think about that girl. I want to become her again, wondering why I could not just ignore everybody who was around and their opinions. The answer is that we are too sensitive to the opinions of others to disregard it. We seek to be part of society and be accepted which means that we must adopt the rules and worldview of others, even if it replaces our own point of view. We are not individuals, rather we are the product of the joint thinking of society. Although it was hard to accept it, I am an example of this product, but it does not mean that I cannot do anything with it, and I cannot return my little individualist back to life. Yes, I was not strong enough to pursue my dreams as a child, but now I am an adult. And if there is anything that I understand about being an adult is the idea that adults are supposed to be strong enough to fight for what they believe is right. Education and money are important; however, they will not buy your happiness. Even without them, you can achieve success and your dreams. You just need to get rid of the chains of society’s rules. Thus, staying in the bathtub and looking at the drops of water rolling from my nose and falling on the white surface, I am smiling. I am thinking about the pink elephant, confusedly hiding behind the wet curtain, while my fingers with delight create the first sentence of a future well-published poem, “Water was moving down on the edge of the bath…”