By now, the “Irish goodbye” might just be as tired as Brexit. Ireland may have remained in the European Union, but goodbyes took on a new identity. A goodbye with the subtlety of a Guinness and the rigid politeness of the English “Pip Pip Cheerio.” The cost of a British exit may lead to a higher cost of food, but these clever exit strategies don’t have to cost you your friendships.
I hate goodbyes. Maybe I just really dislike the recycled host-ly politeness of the “Oh, so soon?” The best parties and events are the ones you can leave without saying goodbye. Maybe you prefer the ones you can stumble out of without raising concern for the vase that innocently sits on a table next to the door, just waiting to be knocked over. That is, in its trademark, the “Godzilla exit,” where every breakable item between you and the door acts as a Japanese skyscraper… Though, there’s a possibility you don’t identify with a fat radioactive lizard.
If you’re interested in pottery, and the farewells of your respective events are unavoidable, then I have just the sayonara for you.
The Patient Friend Exit
Arrive at the party having expressed prior that you won’t be able to stay long. Perhaps you arranged a hike in the morning (or another reason you have to wake up early). While some might be offended that you cut your time short or made prior arrangements, the second part of this scheme alleviates the possibly perceived ill-intent.
Rose, a good friend of yours, also agreed to come to the gathering. Rose, however, won’t arrive until later. Having arrived at the event, appreciate what the affair has to offer before evidently deciding amongst your council that you’re feeling like your hermit self. Now that you’ve established that you prefer your bed, ask if anyone’s heard from Rose. To the best of your capacity, fake disappointment, then remind everyone that you’ve got to wake up early; this will elicit attention, further behaviorally prompting others of your impending departure. Having waited an appropriate amount of time, your friend Rose will still be nowhere around.
To your dismay (and optimistic nature), Rose didn’t guest star on your premeditated short visit, so now, while you’d like to stay and wait, at the end of the day, you’re responsible if nothing else. So, with disappointment, you cut the fun short and remiss that your friend didn’t make the event any earlier than she stated she would.
The Toll-Free Exit
Admittedly, “The Patient Friend Exit” is particularly demanding, especially if you’re not theatrically inclined. So, the phone call works just as well. Assuming your antisocial nature as a reader, organizing someone to call you at a certain time may not be ideal. Lucky for you, the concerned look at your phone and the silent but excusable exit is just as effective. This excuse allows for adjustment depending on your particular circumstance.
After calling someone outside or in an unoccupied room, there are two options to mark your release. After visibly taking a call, you may leave in a rush or re-enter the gathering. With your phone visibly in hand, say: “So sorry, I have to go.” If anyone asks, go with the most immediate, innate, and comfortable response (whether that be,“Yes, everything’s fine” or “Sorry, I need to give ___ his insulin”). Then, quickly exit before follow-up questions can impede your goals for the getaway.
The Not So Irish-exit
Undeniably, if you desire to leave occasions more commonly than you have a desire to attend them, solitary confinement might be your preference; that, or maybe you need to find a different flavor of occasion to test out. Either way, bad advice is best suited in a kilt and a fisheye lens. Your way out is in reach, staring at you through a peephole on the front door.
The “Irish goodbye” isn’t without its free-spirited, maverick, unfettered persona. If you don’t identify with this, somewhere in between a seamless escape and a guilty conscience is where you might fall. The “Irish goodbye” is unmistakable. It leaves a distinctive impression on any group. However, if your anxiety is telling you anything but how confident you are, maybe a text goodbye on your way out might be the way to go: “I had a great time, I’m heading out. Thanks for having me.”
The Irish Goodbye
As much as I’d love to endwith an “Irish goodbye,” this considerably obnoxious how-to is incomplete without a proper escape.
To complete the Irish goodbye, map out your exit. Coincidently, the exits most likely align with fire safety procedures. Once you’ve arranged your dedicated exit strategy, liquidate any conversation. Make a light-hearted public offering — maybe a joke or airy contribution to a conversation. After selling the outgoing version of yourself, exit the establishment, leaving an impression. Now, congratulate yourself on making a substantial profit in the form of your own personal freedom. Wishing you all the best on your new adventure; you’ll be missed regardless of your goodbye.
Whether you’re silent or favor closure in your relationships, a goodbye is always within reach. Ta-Ta.