It all happens so fast. Within the blink of an eye you are spiraling out of control into a world of endless possibility. One minute you are complaining to your roommate about your lackluster love life, and the next, you find yourself nervously sitting across from a cute boy on a first date. Before you know it your fingers are intertwined with his and he is asking to see you again next weekend. Weeks fly by and it seems like a dream. Your heart jolts as he tells you that you are unlike any other girl he has met and that he hopes to make you his girlfriend. A certain feeling of invincibility washes over you as you comprehend your change in luck.
Flash forward a bit. The once weekly dates have now become infrequent or nonexistent, he isn’t as considerate of your feelings, and most alarmingly, he appears to be withdrawn. You begin to make excuses for him and attribute his aloofness to his busy schedule. As a result, you begin to work overtime to compensate for what has gone missing. Still, you are blissfully under the impression that everything is working. After all, there are no major issues, right? Wrong.You are brought back down to reality as he delivers a perfectly rehearsed “it’s not you, it’s me” speech in an attempt to soften the devastating blow he is about to deliver. What are you left with? A lack of answers and an overwhelming desire to punch him. You just got dumped, and man, it stings like hell. Navigating the first few weeks of a break up can be especially tricky, especially when you find yourself with many questions and few answers. Luckily, there are a few steps you can take to handle the situation with dignity and emerge even more fabulous than before.
Step One: Allow Yourself Time to be “Fine”
As the old adage goes, “breaking up is hard to do.” I think all of us can agree that break ups just flat out suck. The good news is that nobody really expects you to be okay after a break up, especially if the news came as a complete shock. It is natural to feel a full spectrum of emotions no matter how long the relationship lasted or who pulled the trigger. The harsh truth is that it is hard to go on without somebody who became a major part of your everyday life. As cliche as it sounds, the only thing you can really do at this stage is to take things one day at a time. Allow yourself the time necessary to mourn the relationship and to pick your self-esteem up off the floor. Do whatever it is you need to do to make yourself feel better-cry, scream into your pillow, call up your best friends, eat lots of fattening food, cut up photos of your ex, have a Ryan Gosling movie marathon-whatever it takes to get rid of any destructive emotions you may have. The sucky part is that you will not feel better overnight, and like all things, this will take time. Lucky for you, your break couldn’t have come at a better time with Taylor Swift’s new CD here to help you through it.
Step Two: Regain Control of Your Emotions
Even though you would just love to lay in bed eating a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Brownie Batter everyday for the rest of your life, you need to put the spoon down and realize that YOU are in charge of how you feel. You are done feeling sorry for yourself. No matter how badly it ended, no matter how much of a jerk he was, you are the one enabling yourself to powerless. The guy who dumped you does not dictate your self-worth and he does not have the power to hold you back from having the future you have always envisioned. It is no secret that your pride has probably been bruised in the process and you have this giant urge to set the record straight. It is at this point where you are probably contemplating doing something really stupid. This is one instance where you do not want to “follow your heart,” for a broken heart does not have the power to make good decisions. Sure, it may seem like a good idea at the time to egg his apartment or leave him 15 drunk voicemails, but do these actions really send the message that you in control of your emotions? Will hooking up with him on a casual basis achieve anything other than a looming sense of regret in the morning? Is stalking him going to make him realize what a huge mistake he made? Probably not. What feels good in the moment is most likely going to make you feel worse later on, ultimately prolonging the pain. The last thing you want to do is come across like you are affected by his every move. Hold on to the dignity you have left and keep walking with your head held high. You will be thankful later on.
Step 3: Stop With the Excuses
I’m sure your ex was a great guy and that’s why you were dating him in the first place. But after all he was human, so like the rest of us, he most likely had some flaws. When we are truly crazy about someone we tend to overlook or accept the qualities that we are not too fond of. This distorted perception is especially lethal when trying to come to terms with a break up. As we look back we begin to imagine things as being better than they really were, making it that much harder to acknowledge the parts of the relationship that just weren’t working. This is where you need to be honest with yourself and take a good, hard look at your relationship for what it really was. Maybe he was a mama’s boy with serious commitment issues, or maybe he was emotionally unstable and dumped his problems on you all the freaking time, or maybe he just needed to grow up a bit; either way you shouldn’t have to be with somebody that needs to be fixed. The good thing is that you will never again have to put up with your ex’s annoying habits. You never really cared much for his shoddy grammar and smelly apartment anyway, or his energy drink addiction. Find reassurance in the fact that you did everything in your power to make this relationship work and that it still wasn’t enough. Ultimately the person who dumped you took a look at everything you had to offer and said “no thanks.” You don’t want to be with a guy that stupid anyway. Someday the right one will come along and say “yes, please” to everything he threw away.
Step 4: Indulge in Yourself
As depressing as it sounds, the only person guaranteed to be there at the end of the day is yourself. The amazing thing about break ups is that they remind us to prioritize ourselves above all else. With your newly single status comes the opportunity to go out on a whim and reinvent yourself. This is the time to indulge in things that make you feel your best. Begin a gym routine, sign up for that yoga class you have been dying to take, buy the ingredients for your favorite meal, take a bubble bath, dance around in your room to girl power music, wear your cutest outfit, shamelessly flirt with that older guy in your class-anything that leaves you feeling positive and fulfilled. You know all those things your boyfriend held you back from? Well now is the perfect time to break out those 4 inch platforms and red lipstick for a night out dancing with the girls.
Step 5: Look Towards the Future
While a break up may leave you feeling like your world is ending, I promise that it is only just beginning. With so many things up in the air you are left with an abundance of questions that will only be answered in time. Most of this uneasiness can be attributed to fear. To move past this fear you must look at your break up a wake up call to find a relationship that suits you better. While the future can be scary, the great thing is that it holds endless possibilities. Who knows? This break up could be the best thing to happen to you. Just think about all the fascinating new people you will meet and all the fun dates you will go on. While trial and error may be a frustrating process, it is the only way we learn and grow. Take this relationship as a learning experience and carry what you have learned into your next relationship. The awesome truth is that there is someone out there waiting to meet somebody like you. And if that isn’t reason enough to throw away what’s broken and be optimistic about the future, then I don’t know what is.
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