Since the beginning of June, when my first year of college ended, I questioned what I needed to do to keep myself productive. It was my first summer in a really long time where I did not have summer classes or a job. It was also my first summer experiencing an ongoing pandemic that seems to not get any better.Â
During my first week of summer break, I allowed myself to do anything that I wanted without feeling guilty. I was proud of myself for completing a quarter online, on top of facing other personal challenges. However, my guilt of unproductivity came along quickly right after that.
When I started to deconstruct why I felt this guilt, I realized that the workplace will be more and more competitive in the next several years. I felt my imposter syndrome take over my body. As a humanities major, I constantly think about how I will find a sustainable career path. I do not have a ‘safety net’ from my family; unlike many students pursuing a creative field. I think about how I do not have an established film portfolio or how I do not feel confident as a creative person. I think about how production projects will be on hold for a while and how networking will be done virtually, which is not ideal. Note: I am about to start my second year, so I need to give myself a break from worrying about this so early on in my college years. I know that these are reasonable worries to have, but I also know that it is a privilege to worry about these things. I am so grateful that I can continue my education at a university, even when it is online.Â
The bottom line is that I do not do well with extreme levels of competition. There is this constant need to adapt, and I have a hard time catching up with the changes.Â
Since I was very young, I have always been an ambitious person in clubs and extracurricular activities. I am not bragging in any way because this ambition caused more damage than good in my life. I question whether my ambitious, career-oriented personality comes from my Capricorn traits or simply from childhood trauma. I personally think it may just be from both. I realized that maybe overworking myself was out of a need for validation and attention from others. Also, I had to grow up with the false, patriarchal idea of the “American Dream” and dealing with the model minority myth as a young, female Asian immigrant. There is obviously a lot to unpack here.
I recently read a quote by Dr. Gabor MatĂ© that stated, “For those habituated to high levels of internal stress since early childhood, it is the absence of stress that creates unease, evoking boredom and a sense of meaninglessness. People may become addicted to their own stress hormones, adrenaline and cortisol.”Â
I realized that I had been defining my self-worth with the extracurricular activities I was involved in on and off-campus since middle school. I am so used to my exhausted, overwhelmed, and burned out self that I now feel like I am not myself without feeling like so. When the pandemic started, I was forced to stop. The internship I was involved in was canceled, and so much change has happened. This pause was so unfamiliar to me, and it really did make me feel empty.Â
The quote was a wake-up call for me to stomp on the breaks and allow myself to breathe. I will not ignore the fact that I am naturally ambitious and career-oriented. Still, I will not let that fully define me. I am putting on a level of unnecessary stress and anxiety when I am always thinking about the future. This is damaging because I am using energy to think about something that I can not control. It is impossible when the world changes every day.Â
With this new sense of self-awareness, I am on the journey of unlearning my destructive, unhealthy, and overworking habits and creating nourishing ones. Practices that allow me to feel at peace with where I am and be proud of all my achievements (big or small). As a creative person, I need to cherish my time and energy and use them wisely. We live in a capitalistic society where overworking is rewarded, but it is possible to create a balanced life that works best for all of us.