“Old ways won’t open new doors,” “You can’t heal where you hurt,” and “When someone shows you who they are, believe them”. These mantras are often repeated during relationship hardships — with family, friends, or romantic partners. However, they’re a lot easier to say than to try and live by.
Growing up, I had always felt that I needed to stay in situations I knew I had grown out of; this belief was formed as I grew up in a relatively dominant female household where I watched women continuously persevere in circumstances that were put onto them –– in their careers, obligations as the caretaker of the home, forgiving and being a friend to someone that had done wrong to them. Though this instilled in me the patience and power of a strong work ethic in my academics and internships, it skewed my perspective on dealing with personal relations. There comes a time when it is best to let go. When you cannot heal from suppressed issues by staying in them, you can remove yourself from the situation, this may come as a privilege but it is also an individual right for you to move on. Do not feel the need to be stuck in environments that are not conducive to your growth.
Cutting off a friend you had once thought would be a maid of honor. Slowly falling off with a neighbor from your hometown. Breaking up with a man you have been on and off with for years and grieving a grandparent who succumbed to illness. These are the realities that will make you stronger and inevitably, nothing is wrong with you, sometimes it is what it is. I believe that situations are never as bad when you walk away as when you make it your responsibility to stay in the thick of it. Remember all the times you felt that the world was ending? Look at you now!
On Valentine’s Day in Brandywine, UCI’s dining hall, for the first time in a long time, I felt lonely. Working through my emotions and reflecting, I learned that even when you have no lingering feelings to go back to a destructive situation, there will be bad days — days you will relapse to old emotions, I realized that I can be young and still be devastated over losing an outcome that I had meticulously planned in my mind. It is a completely normal human emotion to be disappointed over not getting a job, finding out someone is not who they showed themselves to be, and figuring out you perhaps do not want your major as a career. As a type A individual, I recall that since seventh grade, I planned my life down by the minute and as I have grown up, I had a rude awakening realizing that this is no way to live — you can have SMART goals, objectives, and overarching image of where you’d like to retire; but life is by no means a race, it is a marathon.
The past three months; I put myself to the test. Every week, I hoped to do just one thing outside of my comfort zone, to go out and put myself in awkward situations. I did activities that I once loved in my childhood but then felt like a waste of my time alongside all the coursework and internship tracking. This included surfing at Newport Beach, riding the Ferris wheel at Santa Monica Pier, and joining a fun entrepreneurship course (Anteater to Antrepreneur_87561). Guess what people noticed? Strangers in bathrooms complimented the random outfit I threw on attending an environmental retreat, and my peer acknowledged the boost in confidence as I met up with them for coffee after a Zumba and yoga class, making time to simply sit in the sun at Aldrich Park (hello, Vitamin D!). Every day, I celebrated all the small wins, appreciating my efforts in showing up. Regulating my emotions, breaking down large tasks into small to-do lists, and journaling with the following prompts: “What are the biggest lessons you have learned through other people’s mistakes?” “Describe a moment where you felt most alive.” “Write a note to someone that has hurt you and forgive them” and just let my stream of consciousness flow onto a piece of paper.
Whenever I felt that I did not accomplish anything during the day, I reminded myself that I chose to say no to plans, and took the time to engage in my hobbies – reading literature, listening to songs, and revisiting documentaries. I rested, recuperated, and all in all, respected my limits. I put on the “busy, yet pretty” or the “anything goes with Emma Chamberlain” podcast, did a social media cleanse by deactivating my accounts, and took myself out to watch a movie alone. I choose not to overindulge nor do I restrict myself, really just reminding myself constantly that I have all the free will in the world to heal myself from the inside first and then it radiates to the outside as well. As a college student, I had this underlying fear to engage in activities for the first time alone but as time went on, I realized doing the things I have always wanted to do was the greatest gift to myself, even when doing it with no one accompanying me. Being lost was truly a great way to find myself as an individual, away from work, away from distractions — I got to continuously ask myself: “What were my interests, limiting beliefs, and thoughts?”
Articles that have also been an interesting read to me:
Why I Write by Joan Didion (1976).
Didion reflects on how writing helps her understand the world, discover her thoughts, and impose order on chaos. She presents writing as a necessary, nearly involuntary act and underlines the power of visuals in inspiring her work. She characterizes writing as a process of self-discovery in which she discovers her thoughts by putting them on paper.
Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner (2018).
Zauner uses Korean cuisine to explore her connection to her deceased mother, grief, and identity. She depicts food as a means of preserving heritage and coping with loss while reflecting on memories brought by H Mart; this concept is later expanded upon in her memoir.
Nothing Drains You Like Mixed Emotions by Arthur C. Brooks (2023).
Brooks explains how feeling conflicted can be more exhausting than just experiencing negative emotions, as this creates internal tension and drains our mental energy. He talks about studies regarding emotional ambivalence and demonstrates how stress can result from unresolved conflicting emotions. He recommends mindfulness exercises, reframing situations positively, and making clear decisions to reduce emotional conflict.
We need boredom to live better lives. But social media is destroying it by Ross Pomeroy (2023).
Pomeroy explores the importance of boredom and how social media interferes with it. He differentiates between superficial and profound boredom, arguing that the latter can lead to positive life changes. Social media provides an easy escape from superficial boredom, which prevents individuals from reaching a state of profound boredom. Experiencing profound boredom can lead to a reassessment of one’s life and the discovery of new passions, as seen during the COVID-19 lockdowns. Resisting social media and engaging in “digital detoxes” may help individuals find more meaningful pursuits by allowing profound boredom to prompt them to change their lives.
We’ve lost the plot by Megan Garber (2023).
According to Garber, social media is moving away from its initial goal of encouraging user-generated engagement and towards an entertainment model where algorithmically curated content predominates. Instead of providing forums for political debate or individual expression, platforms like Instagram and TikTok are increasingly emphasizing passive consumption, much like traditional television. Thus, social media’s impact on politics and society is waning, changing how people interact with information and diminishing the community-driven elements that formerly defined the digital era.
Loved, yet Lonely by Kaitlyn Creasy (2023).
Creasy explores the challenges of loneliness, arguing that it’s not simply the absence of connection, but the absence of specific kinds of connection. The author contends that even with loving relationships, people can feel lonely when their unique needs and values are not recognized or met, particularly after transformative life events. Existing theories which focus on a lack of recognized worth are insufficient to explain this phenomenon. She suggests strategies for addressing loneliness including forming new relationships or communicating unmet needs to existing ones, while also acknowledging that some level of loneliness may be an inescapable part of being human.
The Woman who spent five hundred days in a cave by D.T. Max (2024).
The article talks about the experience of Beatriz Flamini, a Spanish athlete who willingly spent 500 days living alone in a cave as part of a human isolation experiment. Describes the physical and psychological repercussions of extreme isolation, including how she adjusted to a world without natural light and social interaction, managed loneliness, and kept a sense of time. Her experience shows human resilience, how the mind reacts to extended solitude, and the wider ramifications for deep-sea expeditions, space travel, and other extreme settings.
How I learned to concentrate by Cal Newport (2024).
Newport addresses how difficult it is to focus in a society where there are countless digital distractions. After experimenting with various techniques, such as deep work, meditation, and reducing screen time, he came to understand how difficult it is to regain genuine concentration, encountering the mental barriers that come with attempting to focus for extended periods, and the addictive nature of technology. Developing focus requires time, perseverance, and consistency, much like strengthening a muscle. There is an emphasis on how deep concentration is not only useful but also necessary for creativity, productivity, and a better inner life in a world of incessant distractions.
Finally, listening to my council of inspiring women. To the individuals that were there to rehear the same story 50 more times and do their best in providing suitable advice. Namely, my sister reminded me to always “just let it all out, some plans were not meant for you.” My hometown girlfriends (unbiological sisters to me) held me accountable but allowed me to reminisce on the good AND the bad. Anytime I slightly hinted to them that I was not doing so well, they always responded with “Wanna call?” These two words meant so much. I would text Quinn 800 words and as she woke up at 6:30 AM in Hong Kong, she replied to each part of my message and I never felt so heard. Another friend, Alila, for whatever reason and completely out of the blue asked how I had been, it almost felt as if she could read my mind. The overarching theme was to slow down — to measure success day by day and not just the end goal (marriage and kids by a certain age, graduate program in a certain university). For the girlies whose mind immediately goes straight to the finish line, take a deep breath, life will work itself out. Choose a community that is supportive of your well-being.
If you are no longer receiving love and respect, have the bravery to leave the situation. Treat yourself a bit kinder every day and take care of yourself the way you would a small child. You are definitely allowed to outgrow the old version of you on a daily or even hourly basis. Take space and pride in even the smallest milestones!