To answer your first question, yes, I am a hater, but I absolutely love love. It is my favorite genre of media to consume. Romanticizing your life and its potential makes it all worth it. I don’t care if you post about your significant other. Actually, please let me see what y’all do on Valentine’s Day! All I’m saying is Hollywood often neglects to elaborate what exactly “happily ever after” entails. What should we mentally prepare for?
This information was obtained from a class I took during Winter 2021 called Social Relationships in the Department of Psychological Science at UC Irvine. Taught by Dr. Joanne Zinger, the course followed Intimate Relationships, 8th Edition by Rowland Miller. While I can’t cover everything, I want to share some of what I learned.
The main question: Does romantic love last? Short answer: No
Let’s dive into the long answer.
To define romantic love, I cite the triangular theory of love that requires passion, intimacy, or commitment as a building block. Romantic/passionate love is high in intimacy and passion. Companionate love is high in intimacy and commitment, as often found in our friendships. Other combinations are defined in the extremes, but consummate love presents as the ideal with the presence of the 3 foundations. So really, it’s the definitions that create boundaries and limits.
While the definition alludes to its discontinuity, the main point to understand is that the excitement of new love will dissipate as we get to know our partners. Once we know them, surprises are far and few between. Fantasy erodes with time and experience. It’s tiring to be aroused forever!
It’s not all bad news. Drops in passion are natural. Place more energy in getting to know someone. Be vulnerable. You won’t get anywhere if you don’t take risks by putting yourself out there. This way, intimacy and commitment increase over time.Â
The honeymoon phase doesn’t have to end completely. When novelty is lost, create more! According to a bridge study’s misattribution of arousal, you can trick your body into thinking your physiological arousal is physical attraction. Seek out new and engaging ways to have fun – anything that gets your heart pumping. Go somewhere new, watch a horror movie together, or try exercising together and go out dancing.
Alternatively, consistent sex is not entirely necessary in relationships. Asexual and other queer relationships prove that. Passion is excellent, but you should definitely nurture your friendship with your lover. Embrace the warmth and stability of companionate love. Love is not a finite resource; love can absolutely last.
But in all honesty, you shouldn’t let some person on the internet crap on you — no matter how brilliant they (I) might be. Cringe culture is dead. It’s okay to be in love! Love is everywhere, and radical love is healing for yourself and your community. May you always be surrounded by an abundance of love.
Thank you for reading. Take care!
Sources:
Miller, R.S. (2017) Intimate Relationships. McGraw-Hill Education. 8th Edition. ISBN-13:9781259870514
Sternberg, R. J. (1986). A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review, 93, 119–135. https://doi.org/10.1002/9781119085621.wbefs058Â
Dutton, D. G., & Aron, A. P. (1974). Some evidence for heightened sexual attraction under conditions of high anxiety. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 30(4), 510–517. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0037031Â