On Sunday, December 21, 2021, at approximately 12-1 PM PST, my maternal grandma passed away. She passed away in the Philippines so it was on December 22, 2021 at approximately 4-5 AM, alongside my two aunts who were with her. Some Filipino families would call their grandma or grandpa lolo, which means grandpa, or lola, which means grandma. But some Filipino families would also call their grandma or grandpa Tatay (ta-tai), which means dad, or Nanay (na-nai), which means mom. Growing up, I would call my grandma on my mom’s side “Nanay.” She was the last grandparent I had alive. Now, they’re all gone.
Her death was not expected, not because of how she died but moreover myself not being mentally prepared for it to happen so soon. I was at a film shoot when it happened. My mom Facetimed me regarding how Nanay wasn’t feeling so well and informed me how she, my aunt, and some of our family members in Canada would be flying home to the Philippines. That was around 11 AM PST here in California. Next thing you know, she Facetimed me again at around 1 PM in tears. “Wala na,” she says, “Wala na si Nanay.” (She’s gone. Nanay is gone.) I felt a painful sense of unease when I heard those words come out of her mouth. We exchanged a few words about my family picking me up here in Irvine Tuesday night. They would be driving from San Diego, pick me up in Irvine on the way, and then drive up to Los Angeles to drop them off at LAX. After dropping off my mom and aunt, we went home to San Diego since it was Thanksgiving break. After discussing the plan and hanging up, I broke down in tears.
I wasn’t particularly close with my grandma. In fact, I rarely saw her. The first time I met her was when I was around seven or eight years old when I went with my mom and brother to Canada to visit family. My dad couldn’t come with us because he had work. We spent about a month there. It was so long ago, but I can still remember her wise, kind, and loving aura every time I saw her. The next time I saw her was in the Philippines the following year. I was around 8-9 years old. She was born and raised there her entire life, and she only went to Canada to visit her children and grandchildren. That is why I say I’m not so close with her since she lived in the Philippines and I live here in the U.S. But her death still hurt a lot. She then had a stroke and was bed-ridden ever since until her death. The last time I saw her was in December 2019 when my family and I visited the Philippines for the third time. Next thing you know, she’s gone. Seeing photos of her on Facebook to mourn her made me cry even more. Most of the photos I saw were of my family and in Canada or the Philippines. I couldn’t bear to look at them because I would immediately burst into tears.
This wasn’t the first time I’ve lost a grandparent. My grandma from my dad’s side also passed away back in September 2017. She was the closest grandparent I had because she lived in my hometown, so it was easy to see her. But over the years, I stopped seeing her due to family drama that I will not go into. But then in early 2017, I saw her again after so long after my dad picked me up from school when my dad and I went to our small local Pinoy market. She was there with my aunt, one of my dad’s older sisters. My grandma hugged my dad as tears ran down her face. I tried talking to my grandma and my aunt while trying my absolute best not to burst into tears. At the same time, it felt so awkward because I didn’t know what to say. I haven’t seen my grandma in so long. I was a senior in high school during this time; the last time I saw her was probably when I was in middle school. As soon as we got our food, my dad and I left to go home. On the car ride home, I cried.
Months after graduating high school, she got sick. Specifically, she had a tumor in her liver. It would be an easy process to remove it, but because she was old, it would be risky since her body was so fragile. My grandma then got hospitalized at the same local LifeCare center my mom worked as a nurse at the time. Because of that, she was able to see if my grandma was doing well. Unfortunately, she could not take care of her while she was working; it is illegal for medical workers to care for their family members if they are hospitalized at the same facility. However, when my mom was not working, she could check on her.Â
Her death is what affected me the most. Growing up, I was so close to her, but due to family drama, we drifted apart. I wished I could make new memories and become close to her again, but that never happened. The only memories I made after reuniting with her were just visiting her. After she was discharged, she returned to her home. After some time, she passed away in the early morning.
I was also very close with my grandpa on my mom’s side. He lived with my family and my aunt’s family at our respective homes here in the U.S. for some time before heading back to the Philippines. I had fond memories with him as well. He was also like my maternal grandma: having a wise, kind, and loving aura. When we went to Canada, it was amazing to finally see my mom’s parents see each other again. It felt like we were complete and whole again, despite how far apart our family was since we all live in different countries. The last time I saw him was back in January 2014, when we visited the Philippines for Christmas and New Years. He passed away in July 2019. I remember hearing my mom’s cries from downstairs minutes after he passed.Â
As for my grandpa on my dad’s side, I have never met him before. He passed away of a heart attack ten years before I was born, specifically in April 1989. Growing up, my family and I would always visit his grave in my hometown. After my grandma passed away, my grandpa was moved to a different spot in the cemetery, and my grandma joined in. My grandma was buried above my grandpa.Â
Currently, I am still grieving the loss of my grandma from my mom’s side. But knowing now that all of my grandparents are gone, I’m grieving for them in general. It’ll be a slow and steady process for me to move on and heal. But I’m glad I have things with me right now to help. Having friends be there for me during this difficult time was helpful. At the film shoot, one of my friends who was the director, came to comfort me and told me that I could go home early. However, I was eager to help act in her film, so I calmed myself down and continued on. Also, having another friend ask me to go out to eat helped too. I was very thankful for music as well, since listening to it helped put my mind at ease, especially when I had my Airpods in while I was at work. Taking time for myself to be alone is important too. Crying from time to time is needed in order to let out all my emotions and feel better mentally. That’s what I’ve been doing as I type this article from my laptop. And that’s also what I did, while in the bathroom early in the morning, for about a week after my grandma’s death. My crying sessions have lessened, but I still do it. I tell myself that it’s okay since I’m grieving.Â
It’s going to take a lot of time for me to get used to them being gone. As long as I tell myself that the pain will pass, I’ll be okay.