I’ve been wanting to write this article for a while, but the push only really came this week with Emma Watson’s Vogue interview. I had read a lot of thoughts (whether in articles or tweets) about her coining of the “self-partnered” term. But I only saw the 30-minute interview lying in bed, really (really) hungover, on a mellow and slow Thursday morning. I’ve always liked how Watson speaks; she is extremely articulate and thoughtful about her words, so I wasn’t quick to dismiss the new term. After reading an article on the Guardian by Brigid Delaney, I made up my mind: we do indeed need more ways to be single.
For a really long time, I never believed it when people said they were happily single, or happy to be single. I mean, how could they be? When being in a relationship meant being cared for, and sharing memories, time, and love. I always saw being single as the absence of those things. Now, after a couple of weird-at-best, traumatic-at-worst relationships throughout university, I think I have finally come to a place I can safely say I love being single. I like having my own schedule and the lack of accountability to someone else. And I love spending time alone, reflecting and watching whatever Netflix shows I want without having to wait for someone else to finish the series!
But, being in my early 20s, being of averagely decent looks and personality, and coming to a new university and being expected to meet people in all sorts of ways, I am fully immersed in the hook-up culture of university life. I would be lying if I said I don’t feel the pressure to “get out there”, especially when everyone around me has such exciting love lives!
That’s why the “self-partnered” term, or whatever other labels we may want to give it, is so important. We need to accept that being single manifests itself differently to different people, and that there is value in this large and varied spectrum of experiences. Some people want to heal, and they look for similar things to rectify the mistakes of the past. Other people want to explore and seek out new forms of passion and pleasure. Some others aren’t necessarily looking, they’re drifting a little bit, but they are passively open to stumbling upon something special. With everything else in between, there are also those like me: who want to spend more time focusing on themselves alone, without seeing anyone romantically, or having sex for that matter, for the time being. That’s what Jason Derulo calls “flying solo”, and what I call being “single-single”.
The reason I love being single-single, is that I have finally come to learn to appreciate myself. Sounds sappy, I know, but for someone whose self-image was never really the best, it has been transformative. I’m not at all saying that can’t be the case if you are romantically involved with others in any form, or choose to be a different kind of single. This is simply the way I have found self-love.
Allowing myself the time and space to have conversations with myself, to reflect on my emotions and my goals, has connected me more deeply to who I am. That’s not a static thing, I honestly believe who you are is constantly changing and evolving. But, it does take self-awareness to become the best version of yourself you can be, which is the most valuable takeaway from my couple months alone and hopefully many more to come!
I feel more grounded, more stable, happier and lighter. I feel more secure because, with a deeper awareness of who I see I am, comes the knowledge that I am more resilient to all that happens externally, and that I won’t be losing sight of myself through the obstacles I will encounter.
As Delaney writes, “being alone has been stigmatised by the language of it. By finding new words to describe our lives, we can find new ways to live it.” By breaking away from the typical boxes we are pushed to in terms of relationships, we can allow ourselves to be freer and truer to who we are, which ultimately will lead to better relationships with ourselves and with others, in the future.