The dreaded red demon has made its monthly visit to our uterine lining. How clever of it to announce its presence with self loathing punches to the face that in turn feel like a fat man is sitting on our uterus. How pitiful is it that it puts up party banners every month for a seed to be planted, and when no one comes, it throws a tantrum and begins to stab us with a million knives that sometimes reach our as*h*le in the middle of the day and have us clenching our butt cheeks with all our might for the sharp feeling to pass. It’s time to fight back this demon baby that’s possessing our female body parts and shows up as zits on our face when we eat our comfort food: chocolate. Let’s fight back by taking charge of our bodies once and for all and not lie on our backs crying and eating a tub full of mint chocolate chip ice cream while watching New Girl. Here are some battle tips for when the war in our bodies has raised the white flag and you need help with the bloody wounds we call premenstrual symptoms.
Step 1: Fight for your life.
Get up and out of your fuzzy hello kitty pajamas and take a nice steam shower. Let the hot water glide down your back and the water pressure act as a masseuse to combat your lower back cramps. Put some relaxing music in the background and when you’re ready, get out of the shower to the foggy mist in your bathroom and enjoy a steam facial.
Now that you have washed up and are clean, change into fresh clothes out of the dryer, and a new set of feminine hygiene products that make you feel like a powdered baby out of a warm bath, put a pot of water to boil and make yourself some warm chamomile tea. You have now officially tricked your baby box demon into submission and can land the final blow by taking 800mg of Ibuprofen or 500mg of Acetaminophen and adding a warm heating pad to your back and stomach.
Step 2: Blind the enemy.
Your tea is hot and filled with honey, your heating pad is cozily on your lower belly, and you’ve made a piece with the back pain through pain killers. It’s time to fuel your body and head to the gym. Why, you may ask. To attack the pain back from the inside! Go for a fifteen minute walk and listen to a nice podcast. This will make the red demon forget it’s out for blood. Try following along on a youtube video for yoga and massage your legs and body. This can soothe your mind and temporarily reduce PMS symptoms, aka distract your body from the inner pain that’s happening from shedding your inner lining.
Step 3: Survival
Now that you’ve taken your fifteen minute walk, the lower back pain is gone with the help of Advil and the red demon of death is high on painkillers, it’s time to take it slow and just survive. Give yourself a break and pat yourself on the shoulder. Cramps, acne, and the hormonal changes our bodies go through when it’s our monthly battle are no joke. Try limiting your intake of salt to help reduce bloating and eat smaller, more frequent meals. Surviving your period also means giving your body the rest it needs after fighting the battle of the red sea. The fatigue and mood swings our body goes through during this process can be exhausting. Reward yourself with little sweet treats. Once you’ve incorporated walking, a healthy diet, and exercise during the fight to the death we call a menstrual period, it’s important to recharge and continue to do the best we can with our work.
The final battle:
To conclude, hydrate and continue to treat your body with care. You are amazing and beautiful and the hard work you do while the red demon visits is important and special. Treat yourself kindly and remember that this is a battle we go through together. The dreaded red demon eventually raises it white flag and leaves us alone until the next month.