I always thought cliques were SO high school. From what I’ve seen in movies and hearing about my older cousins’ college experiences, I had the impression that people change after high school and everyone finds their group of friends. Over halfway through my third year, I find myself still excluded from cliques, yet it is nearly impossible to avoid them. Whether I am at work, church, or a school club, I hear references made to group chats I wasn’t added to and see Instagram posts of trips to Disneyland and Los Angeles that I wasn’t invited to. While I have no desire to join a clique due to their exclusive nature, it hurts to see people continuously leave others and myself out. Feelings of exclusion make me believe there’s something “wrong” with me, and cause worry that I may never have peer support. How do I overcome these feelings?
First of all, knowing your values and what you want in a friend are important. While cliques exist, not everyone is a part of one. Seek people who are not chasing after popularity, but rather others with similar values to you such as authenticity and honesty. Also, I encourage you to be open with making friends who’ve come from very different walks of life from yourself. Oftentimes, cliques are composed of people who conform to similar interests. Being outside of a clique allows you to express yourself more and meet people, with less pressure from others to stay within the confines of your race, culture, etc.
Time and time again, I’ve been told that developing self-compassion also helps reduce feelings of exclusion. I’ve read positive affirmations and inspirational quotes, only to find myself denying every saying. I’ve also tried meditation and yoga, yet cannot block out intrusive thoughts that I am unworthy of love. While these strategies didn’t work for me, they may work for you. Mindfulness exercises are supposedly great ways of keeping emotions in balance and not blowing situations out of perspective. Other techniques to practice self-compassion that I want to try are: writing letters of forgiveness to myself, reminding myself that everyone has shortcomings, and giving myself breaks to focus on things I enjoy.
Finally, be careful not to fall into a clique yourself. There is a fine line between a group of friends and a clique. While it is inevitable that some people are going to get along better than others, once you establish life-long friendships, continue to be open with meeting new people. Colleges offer diverse groups of students, so I want to take advantage of this opportunity to learn more about people’s experiences much different from my own, and hope these people are willing to know more about me too. You may not be able to avoid cliques, but there are so many other people to meet. I want to add a final statement that I myself am trying to be less judgmental towards cliques, and just want to encourage those within cliques to be more inclusive.