I don’t know how you spent your New Year’s Eve. Maybe you were kissing your partner, or eating grapes under a table, or celebrating with friends or family. As for me, I was having a breakdown. Why? Because it just became 2024, and to me this means one thing: graduation. To put it frankly, I’m not ready. I can honestly say that college has been one of the most fun, exciting, and fulfilling times in my entire life. I met my best friends, I joined so many clubs, and I am finally in an environment with like minded people. I’m not ready to leave it.
I’ve always struggled to move on from things. I remember graduating high school, and I wasn’t ready then either. I loved high school and I didn’t think it could get any better. Obviously, I was wrong, as I adore college. But now I’m not ready again.
College is such a unique experience. For a few short years you get to live with your best friends, you get to be a part of something bigger than yourself, and you generally have limited responsibilities.
But it’s not just leaving college, it’s leaving the communities that I’ve become a part of. My sorority is my whole world and I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do without it. And sure, I can join an alumni chapter and I intend to do something in their headquarters or advising, but there’s nothing like being a collegiate. It’s a sisterhood, and it breaks my heart to think about leaving it behind. You don’t even want to know how many times I’ve cried just thinking about it. More than that, I’ve been on the executive board for a year now; it’s hard to pass the baton and let the new board take over. I constantly want to take over or fix things, but I have to let them make mistakes and learn on their own. I don’t know how to do this new role outside of the exec board. I don’t know how to be anything other than a leader. I don’t know how to move on.
More than that, I’m a part of the English Major’s Association, I’m a part of Psi Chi Honor Society, and I’m a writer for this magazine (casually breaking the fourth wall here). These activities have been so fulfilling. They’ve given me friendship and academic and professional achievement.
And what? I graduate and it all just suddenly stops. No, not happening, no thank you, I’m just simply not ready. But, I have to be. I mean, I’m already a fifth year. I took on a whole second major to allow me to take that extra year and stay in college. I can’t stay forever, no matter how much I want to.
It’s hard to think about leaving. I always knew it would be, but I didn’t think it would be this hard. I feel like I’m in mourning and I haven’t even left yet. But I’m honestly grieving my college life. If you want to talk about it in the terms of the five stages, here it is. I feel like I’ve gone through denial, I refused to think about the fact that I was graduating this year for a while. I’ve done anger, not at anyone in particular, just angry at the universe that it has to end. I’ve done bargaining too, trying to figure out ways to stay longer, but knowing that I would just be delaying the inevitable. I feel like I’m firmly in depression now. I’m sad that I’m leaving and that I’m going to have to give up something that gives me so much joy.
It’s not that I’m scared. I have a good idea of what I’m going to do after college and I’m excited for my future plans and goals, I’m just going to miss this part of my life.
So if you relate to this in any way, if you’re a struggling senior too, if you’re mourning your college life before it’s even over, I see you, I acknowledge you, and it’s ok to feel this way. Trust me, it’s not just you.