It’s spring quarter and all around me, I feel like love is in the air. Many of my friends have entered new relationships, and I am just there as a third or sometimes even a fifth wheel. Personally, I don’t desire or feel ready to enter a romantic relationship, but I still can’t escape feelings of loneliness from friends choosing to spend time with their significant others instead of with me. Here’s what I’ve learned from my twenty-one years of being single.
I feel like I’ve found myself. For most of my life, I’ve felt pressured from my parents being an only child. I’ve battled with self-hatred and feelings of hiding who I truly am in fears of my family’s disapproval, but am slowly healing from past wounds. During middle and high school, I began developing a sense of self, but it wasn’t until moving from NorCal to SoCal for college that I could actually express my feelings and interests without anyone stopping me. Some may say you need to love yourself before you can love someone else, but I think you need to know yourself before you can open up to someone else. I might be biased as an enneagram type 4 (individualist), but I think it’s better to lose someone who doesn’t accept your authentic self than be loved for others thinking you’re someone you’re truly not. At this point, I would say I’m starting to find people who I feel comfortable with sharing the darkest parts of my past with, but am still working on fully trusting others. While I don’t think anyone can necessarily say they feel 100% confident that they are ready for a romantic relationship, I still feel like being single is what’s right for me because I have a lot more to learn about what I feel called to in life.
I am also working on being mentally and emotionally stronger. In school, I was always known for being someone who cried a lot. For a while, I tried holding back the tears, but now I’m more open to just letting them out. Emotional expression is something I value, but ruminating on negative feelings can be dangerous. In every relationship, there is always the possibility that it’s not going to last. I know I am cynical, but even the most seemingly perfect relationships sometimes don’t last. Preparing yourself for the possibility of a breakup is necessary. At the moment, I don’t feel emotionally strong enough to handle someone leaving me because I find myself simultaneously passive-aggressive, sensitive, and an overthinker. Being single has allowed me to start finding a balance between expressing and regulating my emotions.
A final piece of wisdom I’ve learned from being single is to not “settle” for someone who doesn’t meet my expectations. You’ve probably heard over and over again that high expectations lead to disappointment, but I think it is reasonable to have non-negotiables in a relationship such as specific values and boundaries that you want to be respected. My alone time has helped me recognize what I value most about myself and what I am looking for in someone else.
Being single isn’t always easy, especially when you’re surrounded by couples. No matter what society has to say, there is value in singlehood, so enjoy your time to yourself!
