It’s Friday afternoon and I have to spend an entire weekend alone. My mom, who seems to have a more active social life than myself these days, is gone for the weekend to see some band in concert. Naturally, I channel my inner 12-year-old and take advantage of having whole apartment to myself. No, I’m not going to sneak a boy into my bedroom or try to find the alcohol in my house. To me, being alone means wearing my tiniest of pajama bottoms and a tank top, hair in a tangled mess, hairbrush in my hand, and Taylor Swift music vibrating the thin walls. Two hours into my one woman show and I finally think it’s time to maybe take a break. As I’m about to go drown myself in YouTube videos and a bucket of ice cream, Taylor’s new single, “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” begins to play. Oh hell, what’s one more song? One more song turns into a repetition of the same song 5 times. By the 6th time around, I’m in the middle of the chorus when I freeze like a deer in headlights. Do you know how in Twilight, whenever Alice gets a vision, it’s as if she is in another world entirely. Her eyes go blank, but at the same time look as if she’s seeing something play out in her mind? Well, 90% of my article ideas happen a little like that.
Anyways, back to me screaming/singing along with Taylor Swift. Suddenly, the words “we are never ever getting back together” mean so much more to me. That simple phrase became this article– an article where I’m going to list all the reasons why myself and a boy from my past are never ever getting back together. We all know that moment I’m referencing. When you suddenly don’t care anymore! He can say all he wants and make a million promises. He can try the pathetic route and attempt to guilt you into staying with him. Even the news that he’s moved on doesn’t affect you as much as you thought it would. No matter what he says, does or even thinks of you, you are never ever getting back together!!
To get the thoughts (resentments) flowing, I made a handy dandy list of all my past love interests. I kept it limited to the boys I was actually exclusive with to keep in line with my title, because you can’t lose something you never really had. Now with my list of ex beaus, a bowl of popcorn, and angry girl music playing in the background, I’m ready to share with the world the reasons why these boys and I are never EVER getting back together.
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1. Opposite Do Not Attract
Whoever said opposites attract must have not been that different from whoever they based this saying on. I dated a drug addict. There, I said it! I’m not sure if I was suffering from some mentally handicapping disorder when I made this decision, or maybe I just thought I was the girl who would fix him. Anyways, my straight edge life did not blend well with his…”spontaneous” lifestyle. He wasn’t a bad guy, or really ever that mean to me, but he was just too different. I can overlook bad taste in music and a love for stupid action movies, but if you rather get high than spend time with me, that’s a deal breaker. Until you kick your habit, we are never ever getting back together…and probably not even then. Sorry.
2. Get your hands away from my training bra!!
Any guy who tries to guilt you into doing dirty dirty things with him is an automatic douche. Worse if he then proceeds to get mad at you for standing up for yourself. I’m not religious and am not convicted to wait until marriage to let myself be penetrated, but I wasn’t about to lose my virginity at 14 to a guy who tried groping me on my way to biology. No, thank you. The fact that you tried to get in my pants before we even celebrated our one month anniversary is the reason why you and I are never ever getting back together, buddy.
3. We haven’t see in each other in a month and you need space?!
I know what you’re thinking, I’m just stealing the lyrics and using it as my first reason. Nope! This has happened to me. I went for an entire month without seeing or so much as speaking to a guy only to hear him say once he finally got around to returning my calls that he needed space. Excuse me?? Have the past 30 days not been enough for you?? In that moment I realized I was so done with him, hung up the phone and put him on my list of people I would murder if I could get away with the crime. Fast forward time and it was three years before I so much as said hello to the guy. Idiot.
4. Don’t Underestimate my Ability to Find Sh*t Out
If women made up the FBI, there would be no secrets in this world. Detectives have nothing on a woman who thinks she’s being lied to, cheated on, or deceived in any way by her boyfriend. I pride myself in being very…perceptive. (Forget the fact I might have dated a drug dealer, I wasn’t in my right mind.) I may like to gossip, but I guarantee you that the majority of what I say would be said to the person’s face. Most people like me, or at least find me interesting enough to keep around. So, when I found out a boyfriend of mine was talking about me, I was a bit surprised. Never mind what he was saying. Just the fact that you found yourself needing to talk about me to a person who doesn’t know me so makes you “a liar, and pathetic. And alone in life. And mean.” Say what you want because you’re an idiot. Months later, look who’s talking bad about you now. Well, you don’t have to worry about locking the windows now, because we are never EVER getting back together. (Too harsh?)
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5. You’re Not Sorry
At least Taylor’s old beau had the decency to call and say he was sorry. I had a boyfriend who did something horrible, so horrible he must have forgotten to apologize. 24 hours finally passed when the angrier side of me won and called him out on the fact that the words “I’m sorry” had not come up in the conversation. Enter some crappy half-ass apology and bam! I’m pissed off. At the end of the relationship, I was more angry about the fact that his majesty couldn’t muster up an apology than I was for what he actually did. If a guy can’t get off his high horse and give me a simple apology, we are never ever getting back together. As a matter of fact, not only are we never getting back together, I’m also never speaking to you again. Hmph.
6. Hey, hey! You, You! I don’t like your girlfriend!
You probably think I’m that girl who after a breakup tells everyone what happened and trashes her ex to anyone who will listen, but believe me, I’m quite the opposite. I save my bitterness for strangers on the internet. I have maybe 2 people in my life who I will let myself break down in front of, but even with them I won’t really say anything negative, at least nothing that really cuts at a person’s character. Reasons like this are why I really have no tolerance for a guy who doesn’t stick up for his girlfriend, and vice versa. We may not be “till death do us part”, but your death will come a lot quicker if you don’t tell your bro to stop making passive aggressive comments about me. If you don’t contradict their rude statement, then I’m going to assume you agree with them. Whether it’s because you are too small of a person to stick up for the person you care about, or too inconsiderate to do the right thing, just be aware that this is the reason we are never ever getting back together.
7. I cheated at Monopoly, you cheated on our relationship. Game over.
Cheating. I just don’t understand why people do it. It’s so easy to break up with someone! All you have to do is call them and tell them you don’t want to be with them anymore. Since you’re most likely already hurting them in some way or another, spare yourself an hour (and their feelings) and don’t drag out the break up conversation. But noooo!! People seem to have the need to go behind someone’s back and cheat on them. I’ve been cheated on and I can tell you this: When I realized that while I thought he was doing some random errand, he was actually meeting some other skank, I was done. Because you felt the need to leave me for some sorority girl with a butt that I’m sure is much bigger than mine, we are never ever getting back together….like ever.