Getting broken up with is not for the faint of heart. The pangs in your soul, the montages of memories, and the gloominess feel like the worst experience of your life. The worst part of it all is you never think the person you thought you loved was capable of ending it all. But don’t worry, the feeling only lasts for a time. The most important thing to acknowledge is this is only temporary, and time is our best friend.
I feel that it’s common to believe that the person you end up with will become your forever partner, even going as far as to think that they could never bring you any harm. I fell under this trap, too. It’s a tough pill to swallow when it turns out you were wrong. We often picture this amazing relationship that had so many beautiful moments where you felt the two of you were intertwined as one– creating memories that will last a lifetime, or forming a bond that felt like it would never unravel. At first, you cry and think of all these questions that may never get answered. You think, “why me? How could they do this to me? Do they not love me?” There are so many questions that you want answered, but can’t because we’re in “no contact” with our ex-partner. We sit there with ourselves and let our minds wander. We get distracted by seeing a specific object or scene that reminds us of them, and then we get sucked down a rabbit hole of emotions that link to a single memory. It feels never-ending. We get told by friends and family to remove anything that could remind us of them, but even then, it really doesn’t do much to remedy our heavy emotions. So, what can we do?Â
Remembering the good and the bad is key. Our partner split with us for a reason, and we can even acknowledge that the relationship was never perfect. The montage of memories is often good, so let us remind ourselves of all the times they may have hurt us or made us cry ourselves to sleep. It helps us make sense of the relationship ending, even helping us move on when we realize that the relationship may not have been as good as we imagine in our minds. It helps us remove the rose-colored glasses that were glued on throughout the entire relationship, unintentionally hiding the truth. Eventually, the memories will become distant, and we’ll become fond of them instead of feeling more lonely.
Distractions are also the most valuable aspect of going through a breakup. If we sit there and ponder about everything, we won’t allow ourselves the well-deserved emotional and mental break we need. It gets exhausting after a while to skim through memories and wonder why or how, but spending time with friends and family helps keep our minds off the pain and hurt we feel. We may get stuck in the rabbit hole again afterwards, but we’ll stop falling once a friend or family member brings us back to reality. For me, staying out of my room and hanging out in my mom’s room helps a lot. I get to lounge around without the reminder that my room was once shared occasionally with the person I loved so much. Plan dates with friends to keep your mind busy as well. It could be a movie night at a friend’s house, or baking sweet treats to bring up the sorrowful mood. Another method of keeping your mind busy is by doing the hobbies you love. In my personal experience, I stopped doing my favorite hobbies to spend more time with my ex-partner, which I can reflect on now and see that it wasn’t healthy, so it’s important to have activities you love to do for yourself.
I’m currently stuck in the stage where I convince myself that the whole situation is a dream and not reality. Don’t do this! To move on, we need to accept that the break up is our reality. I know it’s easier said than done, but you’re setting yourself up for more heartbreak if you’re constantly telling yourself that your ex-partner is coming back or will change their mind. If they do come back, it’s your choice entirely, but neither you nor your ex-partner can guarantee that the relationship won’t end the same way it did last time. It’s part of the grieving process to feel and think that it’s possible for them to return. Don’t feel bad if you get stuck on this notion, but be aware that the process of moving on will take much longer than it needs to.Â
Since I am going through this myself, I’m reminded to give myself grace. It’s a long process to get over an ex-partner–it may even take a year or more. However, it’s critical that you allow yourself to grieve the relationship regardless of how long it’ll take. The grass can be greener on the other side, and soon, we get our old selves back. We’ll get through this, so don’t forget your worth and how valuable you are.Â