So many things in college can be scary and one of them is… talking to people. Not only carrying a conversation and making friends but having to confront people about something that’s bothering you can be really intimidating. Whether you and your friend get into a fight, you and your roommate have cleaning problems, or your project partner keeps falling through, you will have to confront so many people throughout your time in college and life in general. Even only in my second year currently, I’ve had my fair share of uncomfortable conversations, especially being introverted; so here are some things to keep in mind when you run into the same situation:
1. It won’t be as bad as it seems
If you’re worried about telling someone how you’ve been feeling, trust me when I tell you I’ve been there. I overthink everything and the thought of confronting someone makes me want to puke. But let me tell you, despite its negative connotation, not all confrontations are bad. Some confrontations will just be, “Hey, when you do x it makes me feel x.” And these conversations, though uncomfortable at first, will often allow you to feel so much better after. It can be a habit to keep everything bottled up because you’re too afraid of something going the wrong way, but I promise you getting something off your chest is way more relieving. And it will give you peace.
2. Know what you want
When you’re planning on how to bring up issues to someone, try to be as clear as possible. Be really self-aware and know how you’re feeling, why you feel that way, what they did, and what you want them to do about it and/or what you want to change. Knowing this will make the conversation so much smoother than just saying “uhh, I don’t know” back and forth. Setting boundaries is important and you have to teach others how to respect you. If they don’t, then you know they are not worth your time! But more often than not, people are more than willing to listen and figure things out so give them a chance to.
3. Don’t go in with assumptions or expectations
This one is definitely hard to keep in mind as an overthinker. Since I try so hard to read everyone’s minds, I expect them to do the same, but this just isn’t realistic. Remember that people will not know how you feel or how you see things until you let them know exactly what’s up. Don’t expect them to be aware that they are upsetting you, because sometimes people see things differently. Along with this, try not to go into the conversation or prevent the conversation by assuming that they won’t understand. You won’t know unless you try, right? If anything, give them the benefit of the doubt at least once, no matter what. Don’t shut people off without letting them know why first and reflecting on why you are scared to talk to them in the first place.
4. It has to be done
These conversations can suck in the moment. They tend to be awkward and filled with subtext or tension, but they have to be worked through. People will hurt, disappoint, and annoy you, but if you want and need things to change, you will have to go through this so many times. It is a natural and often thing that everyone learns to deal with. The best way is to make it as quick, easy, and understandable as possible. Try not to dread it;instead be hopeful for the change that results after. Chances are, you will not regret it!
5. You deserve to be heard
Out of all the reasons to confront someone, the most important one is because you deserve to stick up for yourself! You deserve to be heard, have your boundaries respected, and reasonable expectations met. Don’t let people walk all over you. Do things for YOU and don’t worry about anyone else. As long as you are nice and respectful about what you’re asking for, then you’re in the clear. Don’t over apologize or undermine yourself, just focus on your needs and wants, sympathize with them, and be ready to compromise if necessary.
Once you’ve mustered up the courage to talk to someone, be proud of yourself. Even if it may not go the exact way you wanted, you did it and that’s important. The right people will understand you and that’s all you need. Don’t be afraid to make yourself heard. Now, go out there and face what you’ve been thinking about saying for so long! You got this!