The hardest article I’ve ever written for Her Campus was: “What You Need to Know Before You Can Be Happy.” The point was that, no matter what lifestyle gurus tell you, there isn’t a simple life-hack that will magically make you happy. Happiness, like any other skill, requires commitment and practice. That being said, there were definitely things that would’ve saved me a lot of anxiety had I figured them out sooner. Here are 5 things that worked for me. Now, everyone is different. Your problems are likely different than mine, so I can’t guarantee that what works for me will necessarily work for you. But then again, they might.
1. Counseling
The biggest problem with the “just be happier” line of ‘advice’—and I use that word generously—is that sometimes, you just can’t. And that’s okay. I’ve debated whether or not I should see a counselor since way before I actually did, and wow, once I did, I instantly realized that I should’ve done this a long time ago.
UC Davis offers confidential counseling free of charge. If you’re reading this and even part of you thinks, “Maybe it would help,” don’t feel ashamed to make an appointment. Getting help is so stigmatized, but it really shouldn’t be.
2. Do something
Of course, some things that affect your life and happiness are in your control. Here’s a simple exercise: Imagine you’re having your first real casual conversation with someone you want to get to know as a friend, as a romantic prospect, whatever. I’m sure you’ve been in this exact scenario dozens of times before. You’ve already told that person what your major is, and vice versa. Now they ask you: “What have you been up to lately?” How do you answer?
If your immediate response is, “Eh, nothing really” or “Idk, I’m a boring person,” here’s your homework: change that.
I’ve known so many people who say they don’t have time to cook, dance, play an instrument, or even read like they want to. Yet, they are so stressed, they spend downtime oversleeping, browsing social media, or binge-watching TV to unwind. There’s nothing wrong with those things, but to paraphrase Norman Bates, those activities are meant to pass the time, not fill it.
The answer is not to feel ashamed about not being a goddess of productivity and ambition 24/7. But try to take the time to learn a hobby, to get better at it. Take it seriously, too—don’t just doodle during particularly boring lectures and call it a passion. Actively improve a skill or produce creative output; don’t just passively consume. Admittedly, “get a hobby” isn’t exactly revolutionary self-help advice. But wow, is it easy to make excuses—“I don’t have the time,” you say, while reading Her Campus instead of studying for finals—and wow, does it make a difference. You might be pleasantly surprised how much it can boost your self-esteem. Which brings me to…
3. Change how you think about self-improvement
Here’s one more exercise for you. Think about all the times you’ve jokingly said something to the effect of, “I’m trash lol,” “I would do that, but I’m just too lazy,” “I’m so judgmental, I’m a horrible person.” Have you thought about them?
Now, take those things and from now on, work on improving them. Actively. No takesies-backsies. You’ve committed already.
It’s healthy to be aware of your flaws, but if you’re constantly self-deprecating and you have genuinely low self-esteem, you might want to think about that. It’s possible that what you’re really doing is trying to convince yourself you don’t really care about the fact that you feel like garbage. You feel like you have nothing else to be proud of, so in a weird way, you start to act like you’re proud about sucking. And you’re doing it in exactly the worst way possible—essentially, you’re giving yourself permission both to keep being trash and to keep feeling like you are. It’s a never-ending cycle that feeds itself.
Or at least, that’s what I did. I’m also the overachieving perfectionist type, which made things even worse. I started getting better when I stopped thinking, “Nothing I ever do will be good enough, I just suck as a person,” and started thinking, “Okay, I have these problems. I can get better.” I don’t have to repress my emotions—I can just realize, okay, I’m often more agitated by minor inconveniences than major stresses. It’s helpful to be aware of that when I’m freaking out. I don’t have to feel like I have to forgive as a principle, because that cheapens the value of true grace. I can just realize, hey, I’m kind of judgmental, and that person seems like a complete mess or a terrible person, but I used to be a lot worse off, and maybe I’m just seeing them at the most vulnerable time of their life.
Don’t think of self-improvement only in terms of enormous, abstract goals, like “be a good person,” or really vague ones, like “be better.” Consciously think, “I can work on that,” and make it something to keep in mind everyday.
Self-improvement is a continuous journey, a daily practice. And, incidentally, so is happiness.