The dreaded season is upon us once more and no, I’m not talking about spring, because it would honestly be a crime to hate spring quarter. I’m talking about midterm season, which for UC Davis students is basically every season. When you’re on the quarter system, midterms come at you any time from week 2 to week 10 and they don’t stop in between. So how’s a collegiate supposed to survive the worst of the worst? Look no further than our 5 step program!
1. Complain to your friends
It’s not like your friends have midterms too. You’ve got to complain to them about just how utterly debilitating your midterms are. If they tell you they have two midterms, one up them and tell them you have three. It’s the oppression Olympics. It’s like the real Olympics except they never end and nobody wins.
2. Binge eat
Forget the time you’ve spent at the gym trying to cut back on your (mythical) freshman fifteen. Devour your entire pantry. Make sure your pantry isn’t stocked with those ridiculous fad foods like salad and yogurt. You need the good, healthy stuff, like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Thin Mints, and chocolate muffins.
3. Go out every night
Even though you’ll be studying during the day, you have to go out each and every night or else you won’t be getting your full tuition’s worth. Besides, how are you supposed to get through the long hours at the library if you don’t party it up in the smallest booty shorts you can find?
4. Don’t sleep
Between your daily studying and nightly partying (aka self care), you don’t have time to sleep. Remember: sleep is for the weak and you aren’t weak. The websites and sources that tell you otherwise are just government propaganda.
5. Drop out of school
Bye, Felicia. Who really needs school anyways? Not Steve Jobs. Not Bill Gates. School is for the mediocre and only the mediocre take midterms. Are you mediocre? Hell no. So grab your backpack, take your $30,000 tuition, and get the hell out of town. Now go swipe your credit card, treat yourself to a pina colada in St. Tropez, and rack up even more debt!
Note: This piece is intended to be satire. In reality, it is important to take care of yourself and engage in healthy practices like eating healthily, getting a full night’s rest, and creating a balanced lifestyle that’ll help you succeed in your academic life.