Mistakes happen everyday, and I’m 100% aware that I make small mistakes here and there on a daily basis. Unfortunately, I have found that I’ve recently made a couple that aren’t so small. As my first year college mistakes add up, I’ve been struggling with an ongoing subconscious debate: maybe I’m not as inclusive as I think I am, maybe I don’t know how to approach conflict, and maybe when I do, I apologize a little too much, which is a whole other problem in itself. But I find that I am always trying so hard to be a good person, that whenever I am upset or if I feel hurt (even if it is something small), I bottle up my emotions until one day, I explode and it never ends well.
I made a huge mistake, one that I regret: I hurt one of my best friends. Again, I know it is natural that we make mistakes, but I don’t exactly know how to cope with this one. I don’t know why I said things I don’t mean, or what caused me to make this mistake the most condemning of all, but it happened, and it’s over now. And unfortunately, I am afraid that the mistake isn’t the only thing that is over.
Image source: Gianandrea Villa
Right after it happened, I exhausted myself, picking at my brain, trying anything in my power to figure out what I could do about it, or how I could attempt to fix what I messed up, and if I am honest, I am scared that maybe I can’t. Coming to a school this large, my initial worry was about making friends and finding support, and I was lucky to have found this right away. But I feel like my past actions have left me with the foundation that I found here at UC Davis crumbling beneath me — the foundation that has played a vital role in my transition to living away from my family. The worst part is that it is my fault; completely self-inflicted; a terrible judgment call. Maybe it is because I took the friendship for granted, or maybe I was upset about something small and then everything just went too far — sadly, I don’t know the answer to that.
Image source: Jorge Flores
I have learned that there isn’t much I can do, which sucks. It sucks because I hate when people are upset with me since I always want to mend what I have broken, but the best thing I can do is give it time. I know what I said and did was wrong, and I take full responsibility, but all I want to do is rightfully apologize. I hurt someone close to me, unintentionally, but that is not what matters anymore. Someone told me that what matters now is the impact my actions and words have on the person. So, rather than trying to explain my intentions, I need to focus on the person I hurt, and how I hurt them. I need to apologize without trying to explain myself because making it about myself will lessen the sincerity of my apology. I like to try and think that it’s going to be okay once I am given the chance to apologize because everyone makes mistakes; mistakes don’t make us bad people, but it definitely does not feel that way now. Yes, we all make mistakes, and it is okay to mess up — we are innately imperfect, but accidentally hurting someone with words that can’t be taken back is a feeling that I never want inflict upon someone again.