Just over a year ago, I published an article on HerCampus titled “To Be or Not to Be In a Long-Distance Relationship,” in which I discussed my recent revelation that my long-distance relationship was a good thing. Now, over a year later, moving past the tears, the anxiety, and the insecurity that that same relationship caused me, I thought it was about time to re-read that article in which I was so sure that my evidently wrong decision was so right.
I can’t easily describe the feeling that re-reading that article caused me: a mix of embarrassment and shame with a little nausea thrown in. How I could have let myself publish something so vulnerable where I was obviously letting out a cry for help is beyond me. Sentences like, “Maybe it was a fear of abandonment or the weakness of it being my last day home, but I agreed,” and “Whether it’s looking at my phone to see a call from him every time I try to do work or simple miscommunications through the tone-deaf dialogue of texting, I just feel suffocated,” flood the article; all clear signs that maybe this wasn’t the healthiest situation for me. But I wrote and read that article, those sentences included, and saw nothing wrong with it! It makes me wonder how I could have possibly been so misled. Recently, I’ve tried to think back to how I could have let my mindset reach that point.
Have you ever heard the saying “If you tell someone something enough they’ll eventually start to believe it?” I can now say with confidence that, yes, that is very much the case. I don’t want to make this article too much about my past relationship, mostly because this topic is so much bigger than that, so let’s use another example. When someone tells you the sky is red, you are able to confidently say that they’re wrong, the sky is blue. But after you say the sky is blue and they still confidently press that it’s red, and every moment that you believe the sky is blue you are pushed to think that it’s actually red, you may wonder, “What’s wrong with this person, do they really believe the sky is red?” Suddenly, that wonder may turn into, “Maybe there’s something wrong with me. What if they’re sitting there wondering, what’s wrong with this person, do they really believe the sky is blue?” Now, you’re left questioning whether the sky is red or blue. That’s manipulation, and what I believe I was so misled by. But what can we do to avoid situations like this when we believe that someone is trustworthy?
Now in situations where I’m taken aback by what someone is telling me to be true, but what I believe is false, I immediately try and associate that immediate feeling of “how can they possibly think the sky is red?” with their statement, hopefully, to be reminded of that feeling every time the topic is brought up again. If you know something to be true, you must stick to that. The reason that they’re able to change your mind is by using the fear of being wrong against you, and that fear comes from caring deeply about others’ perceptions of you. I’m not saying to completely isolate yourself from other people’s opinions at all costs, I just believe that if you have a gut reaction that something is wrong, the only things that should be convincing you otherwise are reliable sources and primary evidence. And believe me, I know this is harder to do than to say, and I still find myself struggling with this, but a little effort can go a long way.